December

We are getting ready for Christmas here and things are a "little" crazy.  We are on our second Christmas tree of the season.  Our first tree was trouble from the start.  It fell at least 2 or 3 itmes (once it was even tied up!) before we finally got it somewhat stable...with lots of string helping it and it leaning way to the side, but hey, it wasn't falling down anymore!  Then we went on the cruise and forgot to leave instructions about watering the tree.  Unfortunately, by the time we got home, the tree was so brittle, if you looked at it funny, branches would crumble!  After deciding the tree was a fire-hazard, we took it down and have now put up our second tree of the 2010 Christmas season.  So far, this one is leaning only slightly to the right and hasn't fallen yet, so it is a keeper.

Gunars and I went on a fantastic trip/cruise the first week of December to Ft. Lauderdale then to Puerto Rico, St. Thomas, and St. Marteen.  While we were in Ft. Lauderdale, we met the little boy who is going to be using Kyara's carseat.  The father is an old friend of Gunars' from Venezuela and we had the opprotunity to meet the family while in Florida.  I had mixed feelings going into this.  When Gunars first mentioned it as a possibility, I jumped at the chance.  Absolutely, I wanted to meet them.  But as time got closer, I was beginning to get cold feet.  What would it be like?  Would I bawl my eyes out?  Would I feel nothing?  Would it make me sad to see this precious child, or happy to be able to help them in anyway we could?  Well, the little boy was beautiful.  As soon as they were in the house, I asked to get him out of the stroller so that I could hold him.  He reminded me of Kyara in so many ways, and to be able to snuggle with him was like wrapping my arms around her again.  Of course, the tears came.  But I tried to stop them the best I could.  It was nice to talk to the mother and give some encouragement and really, just talk to someone who understands the trials and tribulations of having a severly disabled child.  The little boy was only 2, so he was still like a baby.  It is a bit different as they get older.  Things like moving them from bed to wheelchair, or into the shower, or in the car are things that have to be figured out as they grow.

The next day, Gunars and I took a walk on the Riverfront in Fort Lauderdale.

We then boarded our cruise ship to head off on our 7 day trip. Can you see me in the picture below?  It is like a Where's Waldo.  The boat was HUGE!!

We had a balcony room. 

After a full day at sea on Monday, we arrived in Puerto Rico on Tuesday.  We decided to do a cruise excursion and do a zipline canopy tour through the rain forest.  Can you believe it rained?   But that didn't stop us.  After the zipline tour, we caught a taxi back to old town San Juan and ate dinner. Then back to the ship.

The next day we awoke in St. Thomas.  We went to a small Sea World type establishment and Gunars fed stingrays. We watched a show with sealions and learned about sea turtles.  We then walked over to Coki Beach and Gunars snorkeled to fish watch while I rented a beach chair and people watched.  We rented a taxi/bus and took a short sightseeing tour of the island then headed back to the ship for dinner. 

The next morning we arrived in St. Marteen.  We decided to rent a car here so that we could see the island on our own time.  We arrived on the Dutch side of the island and hit every beach we could to take some pictures.  I found it interesting that each beach had a different look to it.  Some were sandy, some rocky, some a mixture of the two.  We drove to the French side of the island, too, and ate lunch at a beautiful restraunt.  Unfortunately for us, we mixed up the conversion ratio of the prices, and lunch cost more than a nice dinner out at home!  What a surprise that was when we got the bill.  Oh well, the food was AMAZING!  We also hit the nude beach on the French side.  NO - we did NOT go nude. :)  But a nice gentleman put on his towel and offered to take our picture.

I would insert pictures, but for some reason I can't get the image thing to work.  I will try to post more pictures later.

We spent the next two days on the ship headed back to Fort Lauderdale.  By the time we got home I was more than ready to see the girls again.  I missed them so much, but must say, not having to cook, clean, do laundry or any of the other things was NICE.  ;) 

As good of a time I had on the cruise, and it was amazing, I still had this hole in the my heart that wasn't filled.  It seems nothing can fill it.  That part of my heart belongs to Kyara.  It will always be hers, and one day, when we are together again it will be whole again.  Until then, I am trying to learn to live with a piece missing. 

Cruising Along

In case the title didn't give you a hint, I'll enlighten you.  Gunars and I went on a cruise.  We celebrated our 10th anniversary this October and decided to take a cruise.  It was important for us to get some alone time to really get solid again.  This year has been a stressful year, well, actually the past two years have been stressful, and there are two ways this stress could drive us... together or apart.   We are committed to maintaining our love for each other and our family, so we needed to take time out for the two of us.

If you haven't been on a cruise, I HIGHLY recommend it!  Wow!  The ship was fantastic, the crew was unbelievable, and for us, the length was perfect.  We went for 7 days to the Eastern Carribean.  By day 5, I was missing the girls and ready to go home.  Gunars felt that way the 6th night.  Really, it worked out well. We saw shows on the boat, we toured St. Marteeen and St. Thomas and ziplined in the rainforest of San Juan. 

Skylar and Kassey spent the week with Bunny and Lulou (Gunars' mom).  My parents had the girls the first weekend, then Lulou stayed at our house with the girls the rest of the week.  Skylar had a tough time with us going, but Kassey didn't really know what was happening.  The second night she told me on the phone that she would "Beat you home".   Well, yes, Sweetheart.  By a couple of days! :)  We were able to stay in touch with limited internet and cell phones when we were in the US territories.  

Right now we are sitting the Ft. Lauderdale airport waiting for our flight home.  I am ready, but not looking forward to the cold weather I hear Atlanta is having.  Yuck!  Just yesterday I was laying out by the pool in my swimsuit! 

I will post some pictures once we have settled back in at home. 

Christmas time is just around the bend and I am perplexed as to how to deal with this holiday.  We have two stockings hung, one for Kassey and one for Skylar.  Seems a little strange.  I still have all of Kyara's ornaments that she made.  They are on the tree.  One has her face and is in the shape of an angel.  I put that one front and center.  I want her to be in full view.

Memories

Thanksgiving... What am I most thankful for?  Memories.  Not that I want to live in the past, but what a joy to be able to remember the good times.  Now, if memories could be a little more selective, that would absolutely rule.  "Only the good ones, please!"  But, to be honest, sometimes the bad ones are good, too.  It reminds me of how much I loved Kyara because of how much they hurt.  A little weird?  I want to remember my memories, and each day they seem to be slipping slowly away.  The sound of Kyara's laughter is slipping away.  The warmth of her touch, the smell of her hair, the funny things she would say and do.  When I am in the moment, I think, I will remember this forever, but it doesn't happen.  People grow and change and the new memories cover the old. 

 I am getting used to having only two girls at home.  It rips at my heart. I don't want to get used to it.  This is not how it was suppose to go.  Sometimes, even the painful memories are welcomed with open arms. 

So, I have decided to share some of my memories.  Not all at once, I want to cherish them, too.  But, here and there... a memory.


Kyara had her own nickname for herself.  Yes, we called her Kiki sometimes, especially when she was a baby and toddler.  But, even as she got older, there was one that stuck and she would remind me of her name.  I would call her "Silly".  And everytime, she would reply:  "My name is not Silly, its 'Goofyhead.'"
No exclamation point.  She was completely serious and would deadpan the answer.  I don't remember where she got this name, but she liked it.  A memory that makes me smile through my tears.

I love you and I miss you so much, Goofyhead! 

Before and After - GRAY NEWS!

The before shot.  A little nervous!

 Final cut.  Well, from the front, I don't even look that gray!

But the side picture tells another story!

Hindsight is 20/20...or maybe not...

At this time of the year, I think back to 2 years ago and wonder... did we make the right decision to go do the esophageal surgery on Kyara?  I can honestly say..."Yes, we made the best decision we could at the time." But, I wish we had known the future, so that I could say.. "NO!  Don't do it!"  That is not the way life works though, is it?  We have to make daily decisions on what is best.  Before making the decision to have the surgery done in Michigan, I did not pray to ask if we were doing right.  I did not let God take the lead.  I trusted my own Mommy instincts to decided what was right or wrong and I walked the path alone (well, not alone, with Gunars.  And actually, the more that I think about it, I wasn't alone because God was still there.  He didn't forsake me just because I didn't ask His opinion.  Although, He may have led us in another direction.)  My point is... we made the decision with our human minds and hearts, not asking God's will.  But don't you know, the moment it was time for the surgery I was praying for a good outcome.  Again, not asking for God's will, but mine.  So goes the story of my life...  Not "Thank you, God for the awesome blessings.  How can I best serve You?"  But "God, where are you?  I need help.  Why are you not here?"  It wasn't until Kyara's cardiac arrest that I started to really pray for God's Will, but even then, it was..."Do this...oh, if it is Your Will."  I would kinda add that in as an afterthought.  And I came to realize that my plans, my will, was not being done.  I so clearly remember the day that I said "God, what is your plan?  Please help me feel peace with Your Will.  And if that means, Kyara receives your ultimate healing in Heaven, then let it be."  Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming peace and a voice in my head said, "Kyara has been ready.  We have been waiting for you to be ready."  And I knew that her time left was short and that it was ok.  It was not too long after that that Kyara's health began to decline and we ended up going through Hospice.  Although the process was hard, God carried me through it and I was at peace with our decisions.

Now, 7 1/2 months later, I am having doubts.  In the past month or so I have not been praying regularly - except the prayers with the girls before bed.  I have fallen out of my devotional time.  I have allowed Chemistry and this world take over... and now I feel like I am swimming up stream without a paddle (I know I didn't get the metaphor or similie or whatever correct, but I can't remember how the saying goes.)  I am wrestling with myself constantly as to whether we made the right decisions.  Did I really hear that from God, or was it just my mind playing tricks - or worse, was the Devil testing me?  Did I love her enough, does she know how much I love her?  Whether I prepared Kyara for God (which is my biggest fear...). They say "Hindsight is 20/20," but I say..."Not always."  Now, I make sure I pray with Kassey and Skylar.  We read a devotional Bible almost everynight, and I don't shy away from conversations anymore.  I am trying to instill the importance of having a relationship with God and Jesus.  But, what about me?  I need to focus on my relationship because it is hurting.  And I am finding that when my relationship with God and Jesus is suffering, I don't feel great.  I start to feel numb which is hurting all my other relationships around me.  So, my new goal is to start spending more time with my Lord and Savior.  I know this will help bring me out of the rut I am in.

Lord - I trusted you with my life before, I will lean on you and trust you again. 


Not to make light of the all that I have written, but just a quick Gray Hair Update:  I have an appointment to get my hair cut tomorrow (Wednesday) at 12:30 pm.  I am looking at a pixie style cut to remove alot of the colored portions.  This will be the first time I will have this short of hair.  Oh boy -- YIKES!  I will post pictures when we get home. 

One more thing -  I love to read your comments. When I see that I have a comment on the page, it absolutely makes my day.  Agree with what I write, don't agree and tell me where I am wrong, just say hello, suggest songs for the page, whatever.  I greatly appreciate you all who have kept up with us and you have been such a wonderful inspiration to me.  Thank you for caring about our family, and for "listening" to me vent. :)

HALLOWEEN!

"H-A-Double L-O...W-Double E-N"  Spells Halloween!

I am trying to get into the spirit, but this year is a little tough.  I am working on desserts to take to a dinner tonight and I have a house that looks like I should be on Hoarders.  The boxes are piled up, the laundry is everywhere.  It is a mess.  In the mean time, I am doing an education curriculum class and chemistry (which Gunars keeps reminding me... chemistry is not that bad, but your teacher is ruining it!) and my in home labs are not working.  I am doing the homework, but I don't really understand what I am doing.  I am terrified to take the exam... especially if its not open book!  How am I suppose to remember all those formulas, I am having a hard enough time remembering my kids' own names lately!  Get through this semester... that is what I am planning... just get through it (and pass so I don't have to do it again!)

So, this is a short post since I really have too much to do, but I will post again soon.  I can't wait to get pictures of the girls and Gunars with their Halloween costumes on.  Oh, and by the way, I did decorate some for Halloween.  We have a "graveyard" in the front yard, some spiderwebs, etc. This is a fun holiday and each year I hope it will be less and less difficult for me to enjoy it.  It is difficult to remember that 2 years ago tonight we started our journey to Michigan full of hope and excitement for Kyara's surgery.  We never expected to lose her.  Amazing how excitement turns into horror.  A little like Halloween, though...  Excitement and horror. 

It's Fall, Ya'll!

The mornings are cooler and the days are perfect.  The leaves are changing and the smell of pumpkin spice is in the air.  I LOVE fall!  Soccer is under way and we are spending a ton of time at the fields.  I can't think of a better place to be!   We are discussing the November soccer tournament that we will take the girls, too.  YES! Tournament time = FALL!  College football is full stream ahead, and I am STILL cheering for the Gators, even if we are having a harder time this year.  FALL, Ya'll!  My favorite month of fall is October.  I love the weather, I love the pumpkins, I love the colors, it is like God has painted a different beautiful picture everytime you look at the trees!  What an artist!  I love the fact that Gunars and I were married in October, and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE Halloween!  I love CANDY!  Trick-or-Treating!  Dressing up!  Yipee!  FALL, Ya'll!  I mean, who can resist some yummy candy corn, or even better, the good chocolate from Trick-or Treating?  I have to wait to buy my candy stash until closer to the big night, because I have been known to eat all the treats! 

I looking back over my previous paragraph and I realized that I appear to be exclamation point happy and caps lock crazy.  Sorry about that.  I just want to emphasize how much I love this time of the year, because I am now facing conflicting emotions.   Halloween is my favorite holiday.  I love getting spooked.  I love "haunted" houses.  I love the creepy, scary, adrenaline rush of not knowing what's coming around the corner.  I love the makeup and the decorations.  I love Trick-or-Treating, and I love candy.  This year, however, I am not sure how I should feel.  I want to decorate our yard and make it "scary", but is it inappropriate for me to put up gravestones?  Are skulls now off limits?  How about the signs that are bit... unwelcoming?  Having lost a daughter 7 months ago, I am now a bit more sensitive to these things.  But at the same time, that is part of the fun of Halloween!  The pumpkins are nice and all, but what about the thrill?  I also don't want to make light of death or the afterlife.  In the past it has always been a fun holiday, but now, it has new meaning.  I am not sure how to approach it.

We are busy bees around here.  I am still struggling with Chemistry.  It stinks!  Skylar is in the middle of her soccer season and has had tryouts for basketball.  Kassey has also started soccer with SmartStart and is loving it!  She tells us, "We go to MY soccer game?"  Shinguards, jersey, shorts, long socks, ball... check!  Very cute, fun hour watch 2-4 year olds trip over the ball...check!(I have been corrected, Kassey doesn't trip over the ball ;)  But they look like it because the ball is taller than their knees!) Kassey loving every minute...check!  Good times!  Gunars is helping coach the SmartStart group and has really enjoyed getting involved with the kids again. 

Last week, Bunny, Kassey, and I took a roadtrip to Florida to pick up... my new car!  Yeah!  My poor van has been on its last leg for some time now and I have been nursing it to keep it on the road.  So, we did a ton of research and waited for months to find the perfect car to replace the van.  Then, one morning, I saw a car on ebay that was not exactly what I wanted, but would be okay.  It had 52 minutes left on the clock and had an "Or best offer" option.  So we low-balled, knowing that if we didn't get it, that was fine since it wasn't "perfect."  Well, to our surprise, it was accepted!  So, 36 hours later, we had a one-way rental car and were on our way to good ole' Florida!   This trip was hard on Skylar, though.  I think the fact that Bunny, Kassey, and I were on a roadtrip brought back memories of us going to Michigan because it was Bunny, Kassey, Kyara, and I on that trip.  We had told her it would be a few days, then we would be back home.  Instead it was a few months, and Kyara had had the cardiac arrest, so her sister was never the same again.   Life changes unexpectedly sometimes.  Anyway, the 2 nights we were gone were tough, but Skylar seems to be doing much better now.

So, on to the real news...  My hair.  I have not colored my hair in 2 1/2 months.  My silvers are coming in nicely.  Now I have to make the decision about what to do.  The silver is starting to really show and looks a bit tacky with an obvious line of colored hair versus silver hair.  I am thinking about buzzing all my hair off.  Ok, maybe not a total buzz, but a very short pixie style.  I have been looking around and I am thinking a Jamie Lee Curtis style will work.  But now I need the guts to get the cuts!  Enjoy the pictures, and don't laugh too hard! 

Have a blessed week!

 Wow!  The Silvers are showing!

Hey Sweet Angel,

Hey Sweet Angel,
*sob, sob* I miss you! *sob*
Love,
Mommy

(now I must go blow my nose.)

New Additions to the Family!

NO, I am not pregnant.  No, we did not get a pet!  This week my brother has gotten engaged!!  I am adding a new sister-in-law and niece to my "official" number count!  They have been together for long enough, that Amy and Michelle had already made the unofficial count.  That is on the Leonard side of the family.  Way to go, Matty!

On the Dzenis side, we have had a new baby join the crew.  My brother-in-law, Zigurds and my sister-in-law, Jeni had a baby boy on Monday.  We are so excited to have fresh meat to kiss on!  Zorin is so TINY and beautiful.  Not a pimple on that sweet face of his!  We headed up to Duluth (north Atlanta) tonight to get our baby fix.  Zigurds and Jeni make beautiful babies!

I am trying to keep my head above the water with this chemistry.  December can't come quick enough.  I am going to be thinking positive thoughts about this class.  But secretly, I can't wait for the semester to end!  Shhhh.... Don't tell anyone!

Busy, Hectic, Tired

Those three words explain my life right now.   I am doing an online Chemistry class, which is kicking my "hiney", another education class (which I really need to start working on!),  I am helping coach 2 soccer teams, working on a Bible study class, and trying to be a decent mom and wife when I can.  My house is a wreck, laundry has been piling up for days, and I can't remember the last time I swept or mopped the floors, nevermind the bathrooms.  A warning should be put up... "Enter at your own risk!"  Now that Halloween is right around the corner, I bet I can find some decorations that would be fitting!  As busy as my life seems to be, I still feel like I should be doing more.  Something is missing.  Am I making myself this busy so I don't have to sit still and be in my own thoughts?  That could be.  I need to be exercising somewhere in there, but I can't seem to find the time during the day, and I refuse to get up at a "redonkulous" time in the morning.  I need my sleep way too much!   But I have found that I have more energy when I exercise.  Not right away, but as I get into the routine, it does the body good!

The other day I took Kassey to the bookstore because she loves to play with the trains in the kid's section.  While we were there, I picked up a book to "browse" through.  I only planned to stay for 10-15 mins because I had  lovely chemistry calling  my name at the house.  But, since procrastination is my middle name when it comes to things I don't want to do, we went to the bookstore.  Anyway, the book that grabbed my attention was called "The Boy Who Went to Heaven and Came Back" (or something like that).  Well, I picked it up, a bit interested to see what it said and I was soon engrossed in this book. It is written by a father and son who were in a carwreck and their journey through heaven, hospitilizations, comas, paralysis, etc.  It is a story of hope and love.  The father had written a blog like this one during this traumatic time in their life and based his portion of the book on the blog.  The boy writes about God, Heaven, and love.  An hour and half after we walked into the bookstore, and many tears later, I finally said... I need to put this book down.  I guess I will have to return to the bookstore to finish the book!  So much for a 10-15 min visit! 

Skylar has been playing soccer for the past 2 months and is starting to really understand her role on the field.  It is such a joy to watch her go from looking lost and unsure to confident on the field.  Still a long way to go, but she is loving it!  But, if she changes her mind and wants to play a different sport, I am all for that, too.  I just want the girls to be active.

Kassey starts soccer next Saturday.  I am so excited to bring my chair and sit and watch.  She is so funny!  Lately she has been telling us "I love you so, so, so, so, SO MUCH!"  Each so gets louder and louder until she is screaming the last "so much!"  It tickles my heart to hear it.  I need to record it so that I will always be able to hear her say that to me.  That is one thing I wish we had more of.  I don't have alot of videotape of Kyara.  I don't know if I could watch it now, but I wish I had more for the future.  Lesson learned.  VIDEOTAPE YOUR KIDS!

I need to do some more chemistry, so until next time...  may God bless you and your family!

The Shack

Has anyone read The Shack by William P. Young?  It is a novel about a man who faces a terrible tragedy, then has the opportunity to meet the Trinity face to face.  I started reading this book around the time Kyara was getting very sick, and I had to put it down.  The book hit too close to home with me and to be honest made me a bit uncomfortable.  The questions that were asked and screamed and cried over, were the same basic ones I asked.  "Why?"... "How could you let this happen?"... "Where were you?"... etc.  But recently, I picked the book back up and decided to finish it.  We were on a trip to Gainesville, Fl (Gator Country!!), and I put it in my bag as a second thought.  While driving down, I pulled it out and started to read.

One of the things I have been struggling with is how am I suppose to put God in front of everyone and everything else?  Gunars, Skylar, Kassey, and Kyara are suppose to be after God.  My school work should be after God.  Cutting the grass (or in our case, the weeds) should be after God.  Eating, sleeping, getting showered and dressed are suppose to be after God... you get my drift.  How is all this possible?  I still have to make dinner!   I still have to shower!  And I get to hold Gunars, Skylar and Kassey in my arms and love on them all day long.  I can't imagine putting anything before my children.  And yet, God is suppose to be number one.

Well, there is a part in the book that really spoke to me.  The main character in the book, Mack, is talking with the Trinity (each has a different "name" and "personality").  He is trying to figure out priorities.."You know:  God first, then whatever, followed by whatever."  The way the Trinity explained it hit me like a light bulb.  They said there is a flaw with living by priorities.  "If you put God at the top, what does that really mean and how much is enough?  How much time do you give me before you can go about the rest of your day, the part that interests you so much more?"  God doesn't want just a part of you and a part of your life, He wants all of you and all of your life.  He wants to be at the CENTER of everything you do.  And when we live in Christ, then we are able to live together through everything that happens to us.

Oh, my!  I don't know about anyone else, but when I read this, I thought... Now THAT makes sense to me.  God wants to love our children, our lives, the fun things we do, the work we do, everything and share our joy with Him.  He wants us to glorify Him through our lives each and every day.  What a weight off my shoulders.  I don't have to stop living my life, I have to turn it over to Him and live it WITH Him!  Let Him do the worrying and firguring things out, I get to enjoy the joys He brings to me.  And all things are blessings.  Even the "bad" things. 

Kyara's death has been gut wrenching.  Heart breaking to the nth degree.  No, let me backup.  Kyara's cardiac arrest has been those things.  Her passing on to her Heavenly home was a blessing.  She was miserable here.  And God did not leave her, He gathered Kyara up, and took His baby home.  He healed her and for that I am so thankful!

It has been almost 6 months since Kyara's death.  Wow. 6 months.  It has been 1 year and 8 months since she was able to look at me, smile at me, hug me, kiss me, or tell me she loves me.  It has been 1 year and 8 months since I was able to smile at her, hug her, kiss her, tell her I love her, and know that she understood or that she even knew I was there. 

Lately I find myself thinking more about Skylar and Kassey and things going on here, and less about Kyara.  This fact tears me up.  I don't want to forget her.  But I also want to move on.  This makes me feel so guilty.  Then I think of what Jesus says, "Let the dead bury the dead."  I don't want to be emotionally dead to what is happening here on earth. There are so many joyous things God has instore, I can't sit around.  I need to live life to the fullest.  Kyara is happy and healthy again!  Thank you, Lord!

To Grey or Not to Gray... That is the Question

As only my closest confidences may know, I have been going gray since I was in high school.  I am sure that most anyone who has seen me lately knows that I color my hair, and sometimes, I don't do a great job of it.  My roots grow out at lightning speed.  It seems like I need to color my hair every week!  The past 2 years, my grays have gotten even worse.  I think stress plays a major factor on how quickly my hair has turned.  But, I also have to thank my mother, Bunny.  She has a headful of beautiful gray hair.  At least I didn't get my dad's hair, or lack of it, like my brothers! :)  So I went today to get my first haircut since March (a week before Kyara passed away).  While I was there, I asked what I should do about my grays. 

"Embrace them!" 

"WHAT???" 

Ok, so Gunars has been telling me for a while now that he thinks I should just "Go Gray."  Now my hairdresser is telling me to let it grow out.  I am not sure.  I think I might just go for it, though.  I was told the best way to go about it is to let my roots grow out, then we will cut off my hair at the colorline.  OH boy!  Yikes!  But, seriously, it is JUST HAIR.  There are so many other things in life to stress over than HAIR.  I figure, if it doesn't look good, I can wear a hat, recolor, and let it grow back out.  Why worry about it? 

So, if you see me on the street, please don't mistake me for Skylar and Kassey's grandmother. 

Open House Tonight

Willis Road is having their Open House tonight, so I will be going back to elementary school with Skylar.  I can't say I am looking forward to this.  Everytime I go in the school, my stomach knots up.

Here are some recent pictures...

Kassey and Zoe (her cousin) at my Nannie's house before Papa's Hall of Fame Induction

Zoe, Ansley, Kassey, Curtis, Preston, and Skylar at Papa's school - Jordan High School.  We took a tour around the high school.  Papa's picture is directly above the kiddos!

Kassey and Skylar before Skylar's first day of school.

Skylar's first day of school.  I messed up the date, it should have been August 9, 2010.

Kassey's first day of school!  She was SO excited!

Kassey caught this catfish at Nannie and Papa's river.  She was sticking her tongue out at it.  Not sure if she liked the fish or not, but she wouldn't touch it!

Poor Skylar didn't have as much luck as Kassey.  I think it is because she didn't use the "barbie" fishing pole! :)

Back to School

I know I wrote in my last post that I would write again in just a few days, and then the days became weeks, but we have been CRAZY!  Or, maybe I have been crazy.  I guess it is not fair to assume everyone else in my family feels as out of control as I do.  What could make me so busy? Well, lets step back a bit in time and find out what the Dzenis clan has been doing.

As my  last post said, we made dinner for the families and staff members at Hospice Atlanta on Friday, August 6th (Kyara's earthly birthday).  I didn't know how I would feel going back into the same center where Kyara spent her last days.  Looking around, going to the playroom, and seeing some of the nurses who cared for her was a little difficult, but not as bad as I thought it would be.  I actually kinda enjoyed being there.  God was lifting me up that night, because instead of sadness of what we have lost overwhelming me, I was happy to be there serving others.  Providing good, warm, homecooked comfort and love. 

We served the dinner/buffet in the library and in the back there are windows and a door that opens up to a courtyard.  While we were sitting around talking, it began to snow the biggest snowflakes I have seen.  They were as big or bigger than the ones in Michigan (which I thought were the size of a small car!).  Imagine, SNOWING in August... in Georgia (it was close to 100 degrees outside).  Skylar and I walked over to the window, amazed by what we were seeing and realized it was a white crepe myrtle dropping flowers that was creating the "snow".  The crepe myrtles were so tall (above the roofline) that we did not notice them at first.  Haha!  As a mother of an angel, I find myself looking for signs that Kyara is trying to reach out to me all the time.  Was this a sign, was she saying "I'm here, too?"  Or, was this just flowers falling from the trees?  My yard sign swinging in the breeze, except there is no breeze... is that you, Kyara?  The rainbows?  The chill bumps I get at strange times?  The birds that come to our breakfast room window when we are eating?  Even Skylar mentioned that she sees a yellow butterfly everyday and "is it following me?  It is Kyara."

The next day, Saturday, August 7, my late grandfather was inducted into Jordan High School Hall of Fame.  He was a vice principal and principal at the school for about 30 years.  It was an amazing honor to able to attend his induction with my family.  Papa was an extraordinary man and made a positive impact on so many lives at Jordan High School.  After Kyara's death, I actually had some of his old students write me letters to let me know how much they respected my grandfather and were sure he was already in heaven to help welcome Kyara.

We are also spending time in north Atlanta at Gunars' brother's (Zigurds) house.  What do you get when you put 2 civil engineers and 1 chemical engineer together?  A huge, beautiful deck that will hopefully be done soon!  Gunars, Zigurds, and their dad (Eriks) have been working on this deck all summer.  Once it is completed it will be amazing!

Skylar started school on Monday, August 9th.  I can't believe she is in third grade.  We had meet the teacher on Friday before school started, and that was hard for me.  I am not sure what it is about the elementary school that gets me everytime I go, but it makes me sad.  I think it has to do with the fact that Kyara should be in first grade there, and she's not.  I walk down the hallways and it reminds me of taking her to school.  OUCH! After meeting Skylar's teachers, we went back to Kyara's Pre-K teacher's class.  Mrs. Carlisle and Ms. Laurie have been so great to us, and we wanted to say hello.  Well, I can truthfully say, I hope I never go in her classroom again.  That was more powerful and painful than I can explain.  I saw her cubby where she put her backpack.  The table she sat at on the first day of school when we came to celebrate her 4th birthday with icecream.  And, to top it off, there is a little boy in the class with some disabilities due to cardiac arrests he had as an infant.  While we were there, the mother and son came in.  She was so excited that her son was able to go to school.   He has overcome and continues to overcome so many obstacles.  While I am thrilled for them, my heart breaks!  I am jealous that Kyara wasn't able to recover like that, too.  They were so excited and I felt like punching a wall.  I said congratulations to them and got out as quick as I could before I burst into tears.  And so it goes....

Skylar has also started soccer again.  She is playing on a travelling team and it is much more serious than the recreation team she played for last year.  The first week of school, she had practice from Monday-Thursday.  This past weekend, Skylar had her first tournament!  4 soccer games in 2 days.  She was exhausted.  I LOVED IT!  It brought me back to my years of playing.  I had forgotten how much I love to be at the soccer field!

Kassey also started school last week.  She is going 2 days a week from 9-12.  She is going to the same pre-school/church that Skylar and Kyara went to.  Again, it was a little difficult to go into the school and see the same faces, the same rooms, the same hallways that Kyara ran down.  But, not as difficult as Willis Road was.  I think it is because Kyara completed her time at Cornerstone Kids, and she should be at Willis Road now.

During the time Kassey is at school, you would think I'd have plenty of time to write a post, right?  But, I am going to school now again, too!  I am finishing my teaching certification and I use the time Kassey is at school to study CHEMISTRY!  YIKES!  And now so much of the classes are online, I am having a hard time keeeping up with them.  Technology is kicking my rear! I am having a hard time FINDING my assignments, let alone understand the material.  I guess I will figure it out, but for now, I am drowning in this stuff!

Gunars is doing well.  He has been playing soccer and basketball during the week at night and enjoying a little family time on the weekends.  In his last soccer game, he pulled a hamstring.  He said he was trying to rip a hole in the back of the net, but instead he hurt himself.  :)  I know he enjoys playing and it helps relieve stress so I hope he will be feeling better soon!

Kyara's 6th Earthly Birthday

Whew! I am exhausted! Today has been emotionally and physically difficult. I think more emotional than physical, we were just crazy busy! Between getting food together for Hospice Atlanta, making T-shirts for us to wear, and Skylar's "meet the teacher," we have been running since 8:00 this morning! So, I am going to let the pictures do the talking and I will write again in the next day or so. The first two are of Kassey and Skylar helping me make meatloaf. Doesn't it look like fun??

We had a nice time serving the staff and families at Hospice Atlanta.

This is the front of our t-shirts. Kyara used to talk to me about the rainbows she would see when she would be put to sleep for procedures.


Skylar picked out this saying and I liked it. Even during the "bad times" we need to keep our chin up and look for the good.

Ronald McDonald House Dinner

Tonight we made dinner for the Ronald McDonald House. Once we were there, things went smoothly. Thank you to those who have given me recipes to use. You didn't know it, but I used them tonight. We served - Mimi's Meatloaf, Amy Dixon's green beans bundles, mashed potato casserole, and gooey butter cake, with bread, salad, and watermelon. Nothing like homecooked comfort food to fill some tummies!

Because there was limited ovens at the House, I decided to cook all the meatloaf before we went. I didn't want to spend the day cooking when Icould be playing with the girls, so I waited until they were in bed last night before starting the first round of meatloaf (I needed to make 3 "loaves". So after mixing all the ingredients (which includes most everything in your cupboard) and shaping the loaf. I stuck it in the oven and set the timer for 2 hours. After about 10 minutes, I realized I had forgotten a key ingredient. So I grabbed the meatloaf out of the oven and remixed it with the special ingredient. I stuck it back in the oven and reset the timer. Then I laughed about how I almost ruin the meatloaf and thank goodness it wasn't hot yet... I worked on the computer until the buzzer rang. I jumped up to check on my masterpiece and noticed I didn't smell the normal yummy smell of meatloaf. I got over to the oven and it wasn't radiating heat like it normally does. I opened the door... and you guessed it.... I had forgotten to turn on the oven. BOOOO! So at 11:30 last night, I turned on the oven and went back to work on the computer for another 2 hours of cooking.

This morning Skylar and Kassey helped me with the meatloaf. I love this recipe because you get your hands in there and really have a good time making it. The girls love to help. Kassey can help with pour in the ingredients and crunching the saltine crackers, Skylar helps chop the onions and measure the ingredients. Then when it is mixing time, we roll up our sleeves and dive in! The feel of squishing meat between your fingers is... unforgettable. I love it! It reminds me of childhood. Not sure what part exactly, but childhood in general. So the question remains... Did Genie remember to turn on the oven this time??? YES! I DID!

Luz Estela and Jeni (my sister-in-law) met Gunars, Skylar, and me at the Ronald McDonald House to prepare the rest of the food. It was fun, and I think we all had a good time. This House was different from the one we stayed in while in Michigan. Most of the families were NICU parents, or Rehab families. There were patients who were doing outpatient rehab that were staying at the house. In Michigan, we didn't see many patients. Maybe for one night if they had been discharged late in the day. Today is was interesting to see how few people actually made it to dinner. We were assured that the food would be eaten during the night and for lunch tomorrow, and I don't doubt it! In Michigan, my mom would be at the table by 5:45 in order for us to be able to sit together. People would sit and wait to be sure to get a seat! But, in both places, I know the people appreciate the food and it WILL be eaten!

I eluded to working on the computer earlier and I am sure you are wondering what I am working on. Well, I don't want to keep you in suspense any longer. I have a couple of projects. I am making t-shirts for us to wear when we serve others. I wanted it to have an inspirational saying with "rainbows" as a keyword. Kyara loved rainbows. We would talk about the things she would dream about before each procedure. Rainbows was ALWAYS something she listed. And Rainbows are God's promise to us. So I think it is fitting. Well, while I was researching the quotes, I ran across one that has really hit me. Not one to put on the t-shirt, but one that has grabbed me by the shoulders and shaken me. It said, "If you don't pray to God when times are good, don't pray when times are bad." Hmmm. There are many ways one could look at this. But here is what has grabbed me... How faithful am I? When Kyara was sick the hospital and home and I wanted her to get better I was praying like a crazy woman. After Kyara passed away, I prayed tons. But I look back to before Kyara's surgery and I see someone who almost never prayed. I think about the past week and realize, I have not done my bible study. I have not spent that time with my God. And when I pray, I realize I talk to God, but also to Kyara. When I think about heaven, I can't wait to see Kyara; God is in second place. I wonder if I believe in God, so that I can see her again. And I know this is not how I should be thinking. I should not love anything more than GOD! And yet, Kyara is the one I want to see first. Lord, forgive me! I have read comments about my faith, but the truth is, I am a work in progress. My Lord knows I am not perfect. Yet He loves me anyway.

Friday is Kyara's earth Birthday. We are going to prepare a meal for Hospice Atlanta. I am nervous and scared to go back to the center where Kyara took her last breath, but I look forward to serving other families and bringing some comfort (food) to them.

July

Wow! Where has the summer gone? It has flown by. I figured it has been a little bit since I last wrote, so I should get back to it. I didn't realize the last time I posted was July 1st! A whole month has gone by and before you know it, the kiddos will be back in school. I don't know about anyone else, but I have enjoyed having the girls home for the summer and I am not looking forward to them going back to school. Skylar, on the other hand, can't wait for school to start!

As we get closer to school starting, we are also getting closer to another "first" in the year of "firsts." Kyara's birthday is August 6. It is especially hard because it is my birthday, as well. So how do we go about this day? At times, I would like to pretend it doesn't exist, and ignore the day, but I know that won't work. Other times, I think... well last year we did a "First Annual Dzenis/Leonard Talent Show," so maybe... the show should go on. But that doesn't seem right either. Instead, I have signed us up to make dinner at the Ronald McDonald House by Scottish Rite (the hospital Kyara spent alot of time) on August 3rd (they were booked on the 6th) and dinner for the families/patients at Hospice Atlanta on August 6th. Hospice Atlanta is the hospice center we used for Kyara. I don't know if these dinners will bring me joy or sadness, but mostly likely both emotions will show their heads at some point. I look forward to the chance to give back, but to go into these places again... it will be hard. One thing I know for sure, I have to put myself out there and not be afraid of the emotions that may or may not come.

This week in the bible study I am doing, we looked at the story of Lazirus. It reminds us that all things are done for God's glory. ALL THINGS. I am not sure how God intends to use Kyara's passing to His glory, but I pray I am doing His will through this blog. He has a purpose for all things. I am working on opening my heart to receive His will.

I would love to put some pictures up, however, I have lost my camera. Yuck! So I have been taking pictures this summer with my cellphone. If I ever figure out how to post pictures from my blackberry, I will put some up. Until then, I am going to bum pictures off my dad's camera. I hope to have some new ones up soon.

Rainbow

Wow! Where does the time go? I can't believe it has been almost a month since I last posted. Summer is here and we are relaxing in the only way the Dzenis family knows how... we are staying BUSY!



So much has been happening. Skylar competed in a triathlon and did great! Swimming was not her best thing, but she made up some time on the bike and then enjoyed the run section with some new friends/competitors. I was so proud of her. I have never done a triathlon and to be honest, I don't think I will! It looked TOUGH! I will leave that up to her!



After the triathlon, we let Skylar chose where she wanted to eat lunch. She, of course, chose her Mommy's favorite place - McDonald's. I am sure many people love McDonald's, but I am not one of them. I don't like hamburgers or cheeseburgers and I think everything else taste nasty, so I have a hard time smiling when she wants to go there. In fact, I tend to throw a bit of a toddlerish tantrum. But... she did compete in a triathlon, and I was proud of her, so... off to McDonald's we went. While in line to get food, I heard some people kinda chuckling, so I turned around to see what was so funny. MY KASSEY had her shorts AND her PANTIES down around her ankles, was bending over slightly and shaking her "hiney." At the same time she is SINGING, "Hiney, Hiney, Hiney!" I couldn't help but laugh as I sternly told her to pull her pants back up! Inside I was ROLLING! Gunars was too embarrassed to say or do anything. I think shock kinda took over on him.



We have gone to the beach for another Leonard/Dzenis vacation. It is always nice to get together with the whole clan and enjoy a week together. It is crazy, loud, exciting, not so much relaxing, but a good time never-the-less. Gunars and I took the girls down to Panama City Beach for a couple of days before joining everyone at Blue Mountain Beach. We saw some tar balls, but it didn't hinder our swimming or fun in the sun. The algae was more of a problem. Sometimes it felt like we were swimming in soup. Yuck! We had an episode with a shark. That was exciting. We were out in the water, when my sister-in-law said something hard hit her leg. I figured it was probably someone else's leg, but the Gunars looked up at us all and said (in a very firm but relaxed voice) "We need to get out, now." He saw in the water, swimming between our legs what appeared to be a 2-3 foot shark. We all got out, waited for 15 minutes or so, and then went back in. I know sharks live in the ocean, but I don't like thinking about them actually swimming by my legs. Had Missy not felt it, we would have never know it was there. I wonder how often that happens?!



Vacation this year was hard. This is a year of firsts. The first vacation at the same beach house we have been to with Kyara, but this time, she is not there. I had a rough couple of days. Especially the first night. I started to get really moody the morning we were heading there. By the time we got to the house, Gunars and I were barely on speaking terms (mostly my fault, I gave him the cold shoulder all day!) The other day that was rough was the last night and the day we left. I am not sure why. Thinking back on it, I wonder if it is because the vacation was over and Kyara was still not there. I have this strange expectation sometimes, that if I just wake-up, or go to sleep, or stay in a spot long enough, she will come back. Vacation couldn't be over because Kyara had not come back yet.



While we were gone, one of the wonderful ladies that took care of Kyara at Day Surgery at Children's Healthcare of Atlanta passed away. Kay took care of Kyara every Friday for 2 years. She had ALS and after battling for the past few months, Kay is now at peace. I'd like to think Kyara helped to welcome her in Heaven. Perhaps Kyara took care of Kay this time. I went to Kay's memorial service on Tuesday. It was beautiful. Many of the nurses from CHOA were there, and it was bitter-sweet to see them again. I was amazed by how many people remembered Kyara. Even one of the anesthesiologist remembered who she was. It has been 2 years since we were at Day Surgery and it was touching (ok, I cried alot) to see how she touched so many lives. And in the same way, Kay touched my life. She took fantastic care of Kyara. She helped watch Kassey when she was a newborn and I would run to the cafeteria for some breakfast. She would slip in to our room to see if we needed anything or just to talk for a bit. As hard as it was to go to her Memorial Service, and it was HARD!, I am glad I went. I wanted her daughter to know that Kay made a difference in her patients' lives, too.



Lately I have been struggling more. I know I have said that before, but it is still true. I can be ok one minute, sad the next, or worse - numb for the rest of the day. Numbness is the worst to me. I feel completely cut off from my emotions, and the emotions of others. I shut down with girls and Gunars. It is unfair to them and it is something I am praying about and working on, but as they say, "It takes time." But, I have been praying for God to help heal my heart. Tonight we saw a rainbow that ended in our driveway. It was bright and beautiful. We sat in the car and stared at it and it slowly faded away. It reminds me that God promised to love me, comfort me, and He will never leave me. I think it may have been Kyara coming down to say hello and that she is ok. It may have been nothing more than the reflection of the sun in the raindrops, but here is the best part.... in my mind, it gets to be what I want it to be!

Carseat and Wheelchair

I am trying to clean out things that we no longer need, but could be a use to others. I still have Kyara's special needs carseat. It is a Roosevelt carseat and goes up to 150 lbs. I would like to find a family that has a special needs child that would use it. I don't want to just take it to some odd corporation for it to be "borrowed" or placed. Maybe it is silly, but I want to know who I am giving it to. So, if anyone knows someone who is in need, please give them this blog and tell them to leave a comment with an email address. I would like to give it to someone who will use it.

I also have Kyara's wheelchair. It is a zippy pediatric chair with recline. Since it has her name on it, I am not sure what to do with it. I am thinking about giving it back to wheelchair place so they can use it as a loaner, but if someone needed it, I would prefer that.

I have mixed emotions when it comes to getting rid of these things. I am sad because they were Kyara's and I don't want to get rid of anything that was hers. At the same time, I don't want to keep them. They are of NO use to us, they could be useful for someone else, and this is not how I want to remember Kyara. So, I really don't understand why have this tugging that says "Hold on to it." Why has it taken me so long to put it out there? Because it was hers. But, knowing it will help someone else. Knowing the COST involved with special needs equipment, it will be a blessing to find these items a new home.

Changing

Gunars and I decided to paint the interior of our house. This past spring, we had a new roof put on, new gutters, and painted the shutters. We now are getting to the inside. When I first thought about this, I felt like it would be a good idea. We are painting all of the rooms, Kyara's room, too. I thought this might me healing. A fresh start. I don't want to walk by her room and think of her lying in her hospital bed. I want a new beginning to a new life we are going to have to lead. Nothing a little paint can't fix, right? Wrong. You can't paint over a broken heart and expect it to mend. Sometimes I think I am delusional. If you recall, a year ago, I believed that if we got the heck out of Michigan and came to Atlanta, Kyara would be healed. I have this idea that if I don't let my mind wander towards the grief I feel, then it will all go away. And if I paint my house, life will begin again. It doesn't work that way.

I find that I am struggling more now than I was a month or 2 ago. I feel like I have all these walls up so that I won't feel sad. Unfortunately, it goes the other way, too. I don't feel happy either. I have a hard time enjoying life, my girls, Gunars, everything. I went to dinner and movie with ladies from the church last night and although it was nice to get out, I couldn't allow myself to enjoy it. I couldn't bring down the walls and really join conversations or start conversations. This was never my strong suit, I guess I'm a bit shy, but I long for friends and that ability to just let loose.

Kassey reminds me so much of Kyara that it is painful. At times, I feel like I resent her for not being Kyara. What a terrible thing! I love Kassey very much and I hate feeling that way, but it is the truth. And, since this is my blog, I am going to write how I am feeling. Kassey is very strong-willed, she has mannerism that match Kyara to a "T". The way she holds her arms back when she runs, the way she wiped her face with her hand the other day, her love for books, and asking me over and over "why?" to EVERYTHING remind me of Kyara. My mom has said to me that Kassey has been such a blessing. To have her here while we have gone through this nightmare, to be able to laugh at/with her, and to be able to enjoy her being...well, two. Yes, but at the same time, it is torture. I know that is not a popular thing to say. I don't want the wrong idea to get out... I wouldn't want it any other way.... well, that's not true, I would just want my healthy Kyara here, too. But I love and adore Kassey, through the pain.

Skylar finishes school today. No longer a 2nd grader, she is moving up to 3rd grade! She is officially halfway through elementary school! Wow! She had soccer camp this past week and although she said she enjoyed each day, she did not like it being EVERYDAY! Well, that is fine. I am not going to push her into doing soccer just because I want her too. If she wants to do a different sport or activity, that would work. But she must DO something! I don't want her sitting around watching TV all day.

This summer we have decided to impose a no electronics rule. (Thank you, Lopers! I am sure Skylar would like to thank you, too :) ) From after breakfast until dinner, no electronics will be on at our house. This means no tv, computer, wii, didj, etc. Now, I will have to make an exception during the World Cup, because Mommy wants to watch it! But otherwise, unless it is raining, we are going to be active, reading, and sightseeing. This is my goal... we will see how it works.

This weekend is our Leonard Family reunion in Eastman, Georgia. This is my dad's side of the family and I am looking forward to seeing everyone. I don't get to see my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins very often anymore so I am excited to spend the day with them.
This weekend is also Memorial Day weekend. I'd like to thank all of our verterans and servicemen/women who protect our nation. They live and die for our freedom. I would also like to thank their families for the sacrifices they make while their mothers, fathers, sons, daughters are deployed.

I thank God for the freedom we have in our nation. I thank Him for the bravery of the men and women who make that possible. I pray for peace in my house and in my heart. I lift up my pain to God and I am allowing Him to lead us in the right (His) direction.

Skylar's 8th Birthday!

I have some pictures, but I have NO IDEA how to download them from my mobile phone to this blog. I will work on it and post some.



We went to the driving range today with Bunny and Pop for Skylar's birthday today. I think everyone enjoyed it. Kassey even tried to hit a few. Skylar is doing well. Sometimes she hits the "big ball" (earth) instead of the little ball, but hey... not bad for just beginning! I am just amazed that she is already 8. I know, everyone always says, "Boy, it goes so fast!" I was warned... take lots of pictures because before you know it she will be grown. Well, we are moving at warp speed! It seems like just yesterday Gunars and I were in line at the movies to see I Am Sam when I decided I had better go to the restroom before we got seats. Well, we never got to the seats because my water broke and there was meconium (when the baby poops, which could be a sign of distress) in it. So we went directly to the hospital, right? NO, we headed straight to my parents' house so I could change underwear! Of course, clean undies only lasted about 2 minutes... I know too much information. Skylar will be horrified when she reads this :)

Anyway, 9 hours and one epidural later, Skylar Rose Dzenis was born at 4:50am and Gunars and I were thrilled and scared to death at the same time. I think the scariest moment was when they put us in the car to go home and we drove off! WE were now responsible for this precious, perfect, completely dependent baby; and Gunars had never even changed a diaper before! What were they thinking, letting us leave like that??? Turns out, Skylar has been a wonderful daughter and Gunars is a darn good daddy, too.



I don't know why I decided to bore you with that story, but, there it is. Each of my girls has a completely different birth story. It seems to me that their births has mirrored their personalities in ways. Skylar was easy, pretty calm, no biggie. Ok, the water breaking at the theater part was a little exciting, but the actual birth, was very low key. My midwife ate a popscicle during it (luckily she finished in time to wash her hands and catch!) I had the epidural and didn't feel a thing! Very easy-going. That is Skylar. Kyara was 8 days late, then born in 45 minutes on the triage table. That was Kyara. She was head strong and wanted to do things her way. I smile as I write that. Strong-willed. That is what a nurse told me once. Kassey's birth was a combination of the 2 previous. She was 5 days late and I started feeling contractions at the movies. I was sure she would go fast, too, since Kyara had been so quick. Gunars and I headed to the hospital and after 2 hours of monitoring and laps around the hospital and alot of stairs (the next day my legs were so sore from skipping up stairs trying to get the labor to COME ON!), we were sent home. 3 hours and no sleep later, I woke Gunars up and told him I wanted to go back to the hospital. Kassey finally arrived 4 hours later.



There I go again with the boring birth stories. Sorry.



Back to Skylar. She has been amazing through the past 8 years. Skylar has been through alot. She has seen alot. She was with us when Kyara drank the chemical that injured her esophagus. She saw Kyara's tongue turn black and swell out of her mouth. She watched her sister go through hospitalization after hospitalization. She has seen her intubated more times than I want to count. She has learned how to use a g-tube and learned that it is not a big deal. She has seen her strong-willed, energetic little sister fight to lead a normal life. She is learning to deal with the death of her sister and best friend. And Skylar has done these things with amazing grace. She is teaching Kassey through her example everyday how to be a better person.



Yesterday we made cookies for an older couple who live in our neighborhood. Skylar made a get well card, because the gentleman has ALS. This is a disease that has taken over his body, mind, emotions... life. He is now wheelchair bound and dependent on his wife and friends for everything. As we went in to see him, he began to cry. His wife explained that he isn't able to control his feelings because of the disease, but she said it softly and really... to me. At seeing this gentleman, who I have seen outside in his yard for the past 10 years in this state, I was brought to tears of my own. So, my neighbor and I cried. After regaining our composure, we had a nice visit for a bit and then we said our goodbyes. Skylar and Kassey were very good while we were there and joined in the conversation quite a bit... ok, Kassey played with the dog in the window, but she was entertaining. So today I asked Skylar what she thought about our visit. She was concerned as to why I was crying. I explained that the gentleman reminded me of Kyara. He was once a vibrant, active man and now his body is shutting down, much like Kyara's body shut down. She accepted this. Then she asked about why the gentleman was crying. I asked her if she remembers how Kyara used to cry alot after her anoxic brain injury. And how she couldn't help it. Well, it is alot like that. I think he is unable to control his crying because of the disease he has. This made perfect sense to Skylar and she said she would like to visit them again. I am so glad. She has also told me she wants to make cookies for some other people we know who are going through some harder times. And she is asking when we are going to do dinner for the Ronald McDonald House in Atlanta. But, she told me tonight, "I know you are going to cry when we go." Yes, Skylar, you are probably right. Sometimes, a cry is a good cry, though.



I don't know how I have gotten off on so many different tangents tonight. I did want to mention, Skylar had her first spend the night party this past weekend, and Gunars and I survived! We went to the movies to see "The Spy Next Door" and I cried (do you see a theme? I seem to cry easily!) "The Spy Next Door" is a Jackie Chan movie for kids. It is ridiculous for me to cry in this movie. I am such a sap! We took Skylar to the Fabulous Fox Theater in Atlanta to see Mary Poppins (which is her favorite movie). This weekend we are having family over to celebrate Skylar's birthday. So, Skylar has not had just a birthday, but a birthweek. Well, good for her. She is a huge blessing and I thank God for allowing her to be in my life!



HAPPY 8TH BIRTHDAY, SKYLAR!!!!

How Many Children Do You Have?

Recently I have been getting out a little more and meeting new people. A questions that always seems to come up (which is a normal "get to know you" question) is "Do you have any children?" My answer of course is "Yes." Follow up is almost automatic. "How many?" This is a very difficult question for me to answer and one that brings tears to my eyes everytime. I know these new people who have never met me probably think..."What is with this weirdo?" while I hesitate to answer. How many children do I have? Well... do you want a simple number as of the present? That would be the easiest way to answer. "I have two girls... Skylar, who is 7 and Kassey, who is 2." But, really I have 3 beautiful girls... one just happens to be an angel now. Am I not suppose to mention her? What a conversation ender it is to mention your daughter passed away almost 2 months ago. Talk about akward silence following that piece of information! I don't want Kyara's memory to be forgotten. I want people to talk to me about her. Yes, I will probably cry. Yes, it will be difficult. But it is also such a blessing to have people ask about her. What she was like. What she liked to do. How she blessed my life for 5 and 1/2 years. How she brought me back to God. She was/is amazing. Those who knew her before the cardiac arrest, I am sure have fond memories of her. Mention them to me! Please don't think she should not be mentioned so that I can be protected from the pain. She was one of my babies and knowing how she touched others' lives brings me joy.

So, back to what I first started this blog with... What to say when someone asks me how many children I have. I am not sure how to answer. She is still my daughter. She is just with her Almighty Father, now. I think it will depend on who is asking as to how I will answer. The cashier at the grocery store will probably get the "2" answer. Someone I will be spending more time with, and creating a lasting relationship with, may get a "2 girls and a beautiful angel" answer. I think it also depends on my emotional state at the time. If I know I am already about to start wailing just thinking about her, I may skip any conversation and go find some tissues!!!

Skylar is turning 8 years old next week. I can't believe it! We are having a couple of girls spend the night on Friday and then a few more over on Saturday for movie and pizza. Skylar's first spend-the-night party. YIKES!! I am not sure I am ready for this! Skylar is also finishing her soccer season on Sunday. Alot going on this weekend! School is almost out, and I am not sure where the time has gone. It seems like school just started.

Kassey is as crazy as ever. She is a climbing maniac! She loves to climb on everything. Jump on trampolines, run in the driveway, go on the zip-line. She is all over it all! She thinks she is as big as Skylar.

Gunars is playing basketball and soccer during the week which has given him a good outlet to burn off some emotions and stress. We are also doing P90X. For those of you who know what that is, pray for us!! For those of you who don't know... pray for us! It is an extreme workout for 90 days. I am hoping it will get me in shape to run the Peachtree Road Race on July 4th, but considering I ran 2 miles the other day and had to stop 3-4 times, I have a LONG way to go! As I said...pray for us!

I would also like to thank everyone for the delicious meals that were given to us after Kyara passed away. It was so nice to not have to think about cooking. Sometimes I had a hard time thinking about showering, but I wouldn't dare ask anyone to come and scrub my back! Thank you so much for helping us in so many tremendous ways. Thank you to all who have donated to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta in Kyara's memory. We know the children at Scottish Rite benefit from the donations.

Change in Music

Short post, because I am suppose to be cleaning the house. Shhh! Don't tell!

I changed the music to reflect some music that has really touched me. I think it represents how I am feeling and what I believe. I hope you enjoy the change... Check out the songs!

Home and Back to Routine

Waiting for the Disaster Show at Univeral Studios. Kassey cracks me up!

In front of the future Harry Potter World at Univeral Studios-Islands of Adventure

Universal Studios - Island of Adventure

Happy Easter! Skylar decorated her cookie with our Gainesville Friends!

Kassey couldn't wait to take a bite!

Disney, SeaWorld, Universal Studios, and Gainesville (Home of the GATORS! GO UF!), was fun! We have been home for almost 2 weeks now and we are getting back into our routine. Things are getting back to "normal", but things are not "normal" anymore. They haven't been "normal" in a long time. At some point, we have to sit down and redefine what "normal" is for our family. Kyara is no longer with us, and that is NOT normal. Skylar and Kassey have lost their sister and that is NOT normal. Gunars and I have outlived one of our children by MANY YEARS (God willing) and that is NOT normal. And yet, life still goes on. we still have soccer, we still go swimming, we still laugh and play in the back yard. We still do "normal" things. For me, as I go through these activities, I have an emptyness that weighs on my heart and chest. I smile and play with the girls, but the weight does not go away. I think that for a long time I was in "the battle." No time to reflect, I just wanted to do what was best for Kyara, the girls, and Gunars. No time to really absorb the loss of our old Kyara, I was too busy trying to take care of the new Kyara. And now that our prayers for healing have been answered (although I wish it had been here on earth), I have found time to think through the past 18 months. New emotions arise stronger... Anger is among the strongest right now. And I find I don't always direct my anger in the right ways, I have become quite moody and hard to deal with. Poor Skylar seems to get most of it. Don't take this wrong, I am in NO WAY abusive. It is more silly things. For example, we have always let the girls pick out their own clothes. Lately, I have decided that Skylar needs to match her clothes better. I would love for her to wear the clothes a 5 year old would wear. She is NOT liking my ideas and we seem to fight over clothing alot. Silly... why am I doing this? Not really sure. Maybe I want her to look like a 5 year old to remind me of a healthy, living Kyara. Maybe its because I don't want her to look like we have forgotten about her (because we haven't!). I don't know.


Here is what I do know. Now that things are settling down, I am having a harder time. Now that I am having a harder time, I need to rely on God's strength to help me through. He is there for us. He has never left us. And I believe He has healed Kyara in the way only He could.

Three weeks

It has been three weeks since Kyara grew her angel wings. Sometimes I feel ok with knowing she is healed. I feel happy for her to be playing in heaven. Other times... I am mad. Not at God, as some have suggested, but at Kyara's situation. I am mad at myself for not stopping her from drinking the chemical when she was little. For not knowing that she would have some many problems from the surgery. For not knowing she would have the cardiac arrest. For not being able to make her better. I know these are not reasonable things, but it doesn't stop them from ruNning through my head. They help cause the knot that is constantly in my stomach, the feeling that my heart is no longer whole. This is not the path I would have chosen for Kyara... But then again, I am not God. He is faithful, and He knows the plans He has for each of us. Plans to better us, not to harm us.

So for the past week we have taken a triP with Skylar and Kassey. We went to Gainesville and stayed with friends, kayaked Rainbow River (and saw a Gator!), went to a butterfly garden and a Gator Lacross game. That was Saturday. Then we headed to Orlando to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure,Disney Magic Kingdom, Epcot, and Hollywood Studios, and Seaworld. IT has been a busy week! We are now headed back to Gainesville to see the Orange and Blue game tomorrow. I will write more later, but since I am writing this on my blackberry (crackberry?), my thumbs seem to be cramping!

Kyara's Eulogy

I have been asked by several people to please post Kyara's eulogy that Gunars did at her funeral. I must say, maybe I am biased, but I think he did a fantastic job. I know I could not have stood up there, kept my composure and discuss Kyara's life in front of everyone.


So here it is...


"To say that we have suffered would be an understatement. But what may not be so clear, is that if this is the way it was to end, I wouldn’t change a thing. Kyara has enriched our lives in such an amazing way that she truly was an earth angel. Our lives have experienced such deep emotions that we can begin to feel and appreciate the beauty of life.

Nothing about Kyara Dawn was average or usual. It starts with her birth. She was 8 days past her due date and she decided to be born on her mom’s birthday, August 6. Skylar Rose and I happened to go with Genie to the hospital on that day because of a scheduled Doctors appointment. Genie started to go into labor so they sent her to the Triage room with other patients. We were used to long deliveries and had nothing to worry about. When my dad came to get Skylar, I went to the Triage room mentally prepared for the marathon that was coming. I heard a woman screaming in horrible pain. I felt bad that Genie had to be in a room with a screaming woman. That woman screaming was Genie and she was going through a “precipitous” birth. Kyara was coming, and she was coming now! Genie pushed 4 times and Kyara was born. This is a very painful way of delivering a baby and Genie was not shy about screaming. After Kyara was born and everybody was ok, I told Genie I was going to get some water. She thought it was for her. In reality, I was about to pass out and didn’t want Genie to worry about me. I turned the corner, told a nurse I was about to pass out, and… I passed out.


Kyara came to us the way she left us, shockingly.


The truth is that Kyara looked at death in the face several times and said, “not yet”. We all know that death has an undefeated record, but Kyara took the game of life into quintuple overtime.

When Kyara was 2 years old she drank a chemical, potassium hydroxide. This is a nasty chemical that eats your skin. The Doctors warned us that she may not make it. She was in a medically induced coma for one week. She could’ve left us then. But she wasn’t ready. Overtime.

We were in an Intensive Care Unit for another 7 weeks. During this time there was a perforation of her stomach wall and she needed emergency surgery. She took death to double overtime. “Not yet”, she must have said. Those were hard times, but she won. Her esophagus was damaged and she couldn’t eat solid foods. She had to be fed through a g-tube. But she was alive and full of life. We felt invincible and so happy.

She went to the hospital once a week for an outpatient dilation of the esophagus that kept scarring down. The Doctor would open it up so her saliva could go down.

None of this could slow her down. She knew the routine of her outpatient dilation so well that she could do all the pre-op testing herself, like take her weight, blood pressure, temperature, and the order of all her medications. The regular nurse would give Kyara the equipment and Kyara would do it all. When a new nurse would come, she would tell her how it had to be done.

She was an orange belt in karate. During karate sensei instructs the students on the procedure of an attack and there is a lot of repetition. He would say, 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2. Kyara raised her hand one time when she was a beginner. Uh, oh, what was Kyara going to say?! Nobody questions sensei during class. She asked him, “When are you going to say 3?”.

Kyara played soccer. She told us before a soccer game that she would score 10 goals. Considering she was 3 years old and most kids don’t understand the object of the game, her comment was funny. Taking into account that the game was only 20 minutes she would have to score every two minutes, almost impossible. But like everything she did, she was amazing. She was determined to score 10 goals. After every goal she would look at us and count out loud her count. “7”, “8”. It was a little embarrassing, but we were proud of her too.

She also loved to read. While her Pre-K class was learning the letters of the alphabet she was reading Skylar’s 1st grade sight words. She was also able to do simple math. She kept talking about all her boyfriends. She said that she had 7 boyfriends and apparently one of them regularly pushed her while she was in the tire swing during recess. Pre-K seemed a little young for me to be worrying about boyfriends. But this was Kyara’s world, I was just living in it.

I remember Kyara wanted to eat pizza more than anything else.

When she was 4 years old, we had to do surgery to completely remove the esophagus and raise her stomach. During this complicated surgery we were told that her esophagus was very scarred and attached to her aorta. Once again, she was not ready to leave us and took death to triple overtime. And she survived… again.

During her long and difficult recovery Kyara was nothing short of incredible. They had her very heavily medicated, enough to put an adult to sleep. In fact she was under such a heavy dose of medication that Kyara was intubated, she had a tube down into her lungs to help her breathe. But she was awake and playing Candyland! Doctors would come and into her room and be shocked that she was not only awake but coherent. She also figured out that if she would pretend to be asleep when a doctor or nurse would come into her room that they would leave her alone. She played possum often and very well.

Before she was allowed to leave the hospital she had to see a speech therapist. We were ready to go back home after 6 weeks of being in the hospital and needed her to show the therapist that she was fine. Now, Kyara liked to talk… a lot. Her vocabulary was very high. She could talk your ear off too and liked to ask many questions. Imagine Genie’s surprise when Kyara would not talk and even pretended the Therapist was not in her room by staring at the wall. When the therapist left, Kyara told Genie that she didn’t talk because the Speech Therapist looked “crazy”. She would also race down the hospital hallways in a red tricycle with the Physical Therapist chasing behind her. Only Kyara ….

Kyara finally came home right before Christmas 2008, and she got to eat pizza! Yes! What a happy time. We were all home, together and healthy. Kyara told me she even saved Kassey Rain’s life twice during this time. Apparently, Kassey was eating leaves and Kyara felt she would choke on them so she stuck her fingers in Kassey mouth and took out all the leaves, twice! Thank you Kyara!

Just one more outpatient procedure and we would be done. God obviously had other plans, and during the outpatient procedure she suffered an anoxic brain injury, 45 minutes of not enough oxygen. She did survive, though. “Not yet” she must have said. Quadruple overtime. During the next 6 months in the Intensive Care Unit and Rehab Center she developed an air pocket in the intestine wall that required immediate emergency surgery. Quintuple overtime.

Your determination to live is amazingly unusual, but that is just the way you have always been.

Nothing about Kyara has ever been normal. When she was born, she had a lot of hair on top of her head and nowhere else. Her teeth didn’t come until she was 2. Her favorite color was yellow. Yellow? I thought all little girls liked pink and purple. She insisted that her eyes were the color of French Onion Soup. She explained to me, when she was 4, that leaves change color when the chlorophyll falls out, I still don’t know where she got that information. It was impressive that she could say and remember “chlorophyll”. It was impressive that she could repeat that sentence. But most impressive of all, she UNDERSTOOD what she was saying. To be honest, I don’t know if that’s what really happens to leaves, but I know better than to second guess what Kyara said. Kyara understood so many things, she had a natural instinct and intelligence that was unusual. She absolutely was more intelligent than me.

Kyara has helped us feel the complete range of emotions to their fullest extent. We have felt emotional pain that was physical like we didn’t know possible. We have experienced sadness, terror, fear, rage, guilt, anger, despair, anxiety, and now grief to the fullest meaning of each word. We have also had some of the most wonderful emotions thanks to Kyara. I have never loved the way I loved Kyara. We have felt the boundless love from her school, our community, and our neighbors. Most of Kyara’s doctors, nurses and therapists have been fantastic. Humans are basically good people who try to help each other. Kyara has made me laugh several times so hard that my stomach muscles hurt and I couldn’t breathe while tears poured out of my eyes. I have never laughed so hard. When Kyara was happy it was contagious. She had the biggest, brightest, most beautiful smile. When Kyara laughed everybody laughed. We are so proud of Kyara for everything that she has done. Her determination and focus in what ever she did was unparalleled. The good times with Kyara were so pure, so deep and so majestic it redefines the meaning of ecstasy. Kyara has helped us form friendships and meet some very incredible people. Kyara has also brought us closer to God. We are, without a doubt, better people because Kyara touched our lives in such a profound way. Just like one needs hunger to appreciate food, we will appreciate and live life while having felt many emotions to their fullest extent.

Unlike birds that have to learn how to fly, when they put the angel wings on Kyara, she already knew how to use them. She was an earth angel. She will soon have a play date with a butterfly in a meadow of beautiful flowers. She will have a rose with her at dawn and she will laugh in the rain."


Take care and God bless you.