Gunars and I decided to paint the interior of our house. This past spring, we had a new roof put on, new gutters, and painted the shutters. We now are getting to the inside. When I first thought about this, I felt like it would be a good idea. We are painting all of the rooms, Kyara's room, too. I thought this might me healing. A fresh start. I don't want to walk by her room and think of her lying in her hospital bed. I want a new beginning to a new life we are going to have to lead. Nothing a little paint can't fix, right? Wrong. You can't paint over a broken heart and expect it to mend. Sometimes I think I am delusional. If you recall, a year ago, I believed that if we got the heck out of Michigan and came to Atlanta, Kyara would be healed. I have this idea that if I don't let my mind wander towards the grief I feel, then it will all go away. And if I paint my house, life will begin again. It doesn't work that way.
I find that I am struggling more now than I was a month or 2 ago. I feel like I have all these walls up so that I won't feel sad. Unfortunately, it goes the other way, too. I don't feel happy either. I have a hard time enjoying life, my girls, Gunars, everything. I went to dinner and movie with ladies from the church last night and although it was nice to get out, I couldn't allow myself to enjoy it. I couldn't bring down the walls and really join conversations or start conversations. This was never my strong suit, I guess I'm a bit shy, but I long for friends and that ability to just let loose.
Kassey reminds me so much of Kyara that it is painful. At times, I feel like I resent her for not being Kyara. What a terrible thing! I love Kassey very much and I hate feeling that way, but it is the truth. And, since this is my blog, I am going to write how I am feeling. Kassey is very strong-willed, she has mannerism that match Kyara to a "T". The way she holds her arms back when she runs, the way she wiped her face with her hand the other day, her love for books, and asking me over and over "why?" to EVERYTHING remind me of Kyara. My mom has said to me that Kassey has been such a blessing. To have her here while we have gone through this nightmare, to be able to laugh at/with her, and to be able to enjoy her being...well, two. Yes, but at the same time, it is torture. I know that is not a popular thing to say. I don't want the wrong idea to get out... I wouldn't want it any other way.... well, that's not true, I would just want my healthy Kyara here, too. But I love and adore Kassey, through the pain.
Skylar finishes school today. No longer a 2nd grader, she is moving up to 3rd grade! She is officially halfway through elementary school! Wow! She had soccer camp this past week and although she said she enjoyed each day, she did not like it being EVERYDAY! Well, that is fine. I am not going to push her into doing soccer just because I want her too. If she wants to do a different sport or activity, that would work. But she must DO something! I don't want her sitting around watching TV all day.
This summer we have decided to impose a no electronics rule. (Thank you, Lopers! I am sure Skylar would like to thank you, too :) ) From after breakfast until dinner, no electronics will be on at our house. This means no tv, computer, wii, didj, etc. Now, I will have to make an exception during the World Cup, because Mommy wants to watch it! But otherwise, unless it is raining, we are going to be active, reading, and sightseeing. This is my goal... we will see how it works.
This weekend is our Leonard Family reunion in Eastman, Georgia. This is my dad's side of the family and I am looking forward to seeing everyone. I don't get to see my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins very often anymore so I am excited to spend the day with them.
This weekend is also Memorial Day weekend. I'd like to thank all of our verterans and servicemen/women who protect our nation. They live and die for our freedom. I would also like to thank their families for the sacrifices they make while their mothers, fathers, sons, daughters are deployed.
I thank God for the freedom we have in our nation. I thank Him for the bravery of the men and women who make that possible. I pray for peace in my house and in my heart. I lift up my pain to God and I am allowing Him to lead us in the right (His) direction.
Kyara Dzenis
5 comments:
Ahhhh, Genie, it is wonderful that you are able to write so truthfully about your feelings as you work through this time of personal tragedy. It's OK to be ambivalent about your reactions to Kassey's personality and physical traits. There's no doubt that her mommy loves her very much, and she will rest secure in that love. Rest secure, yourself, in the love that surpasses all else. God will heal your heart, Genie. He will. Love, Linda, Zachy's Grandma
Dear Genie,
I just cry every time I read your post. And I feel so silly commenting sometime because I know we don't even know each other. But it broke my heart when you said you long for friends and the ability to let loose...because As weird as this sounds I think about you so often and wish that we WERE friends. I have some wonderful friends in my life, but none of them inspire me more then you do. I mean that with all sincerity. On a daily basis I strive to be as strong and compassionate and forgiving as you are. And I try, in whatever way I can, to feel some of your pain in the bizarre hope that it will lessen a bit for you if I somehow can take it in. I think often of Janis and how he saved this bus from going off the road in elementary school. Sometimes I wonder if the angels made a trade with him that day. "We'll let you save these children...but there will be a price later...'I know that is crazy, THAT GOD DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT, but I find myself trying to make sense of this tragedy. Sometimes I feel crazy even for thinking about you guys so much, since we don't know each other,,but I check your blog all the time, and I want you to know you have friends you don't even know about. I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain...your family's pain. If there is anything...anything at all, please let me know. xo Audrey
Just read about the author of It Is Well, Horatio Spafford. Has an interesting story that you would probably relate to. Changed my whole outlook of the words to the song. Look it up on wiki.
We are still praying for your family,
the Beckers.
Dear Genie,
My, what a blessing and inspiration you are to so many who read your words. Every time I read your blog, I am so amazed at how open and transparent you are about your emotions and the things you are going through. Your steadfast strength through all of this is nothing short of amazing and is a testimony of your genuine and ever growing faith and trust in the Lord. You guys stay in our thoughts. I pray that His comforting presence be with your family and bring peace and comfort in the weeks and months ahead. Since you mentioned new songs, I thought I would share a song that has touched my heart recently. It's called "Surrender" by Lincoln Brewster. You can find it on iTunes. It's a simple, yet powerful song and a great reminder that we must Surrender it all to Him!
Thank you, Genie, for your ministry on this blog. You touch my heart more than I could ever hope to explain with words. We love you guys.
-Matt Doggendorf
Genie,
Thank you for your beautiful honesty. I could so identify with this post - not that I've lost a child, but I lost the love of my life and I am still reeling nearly six years later. I find that I am just brutally honest with God when I talk to Him. Shoot, he knows what's in my heart anyway - no secrets with Him!
And, I share your inability to connect. I find myself being alone ALOT and being quite comfortable with that. There is more than one approach to grief and we have to each find our own way out.
I hope if you are able to come to the lake this summer you will come by or let us know you're here and maybe we can boat over. I'm assuming you still have Uncle Bill's cabin. Keep writing and we'll keep reading. Maybe sharing the pain makes it somehow lighter with time. Love, Graham
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