Kyara Dzenis

Kyara Dzenis

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Memories

Thanksgiving... What am I most thankful for?  Memories.  Not that I want to live in the past, but what a joy to be able to remember the good times.  Now, if memories could be a little more selective, that would absolutely rule.  "Only the good ones, please!"  But, to be honest, sometimes the bad ones are good, too.  It reminds me of how much I loved Kyara because of how much they hurt.  A little weird?  I want to remember my memories, and each day they seem to be slipping slowly away.  The sound of Kyara's laughter is slipping away.  The warmth of her touch, the smell of her hair, the funny things she would say and do.  When I am in the moment, I think, I will remember this forever, but it doesn't happen.  People grow and change and the new memories cover the old. 

 I am getting used to having only two girls at home.  It rips at my heart. I don't want to get used to it.  This is not how it was suppose to go.  Sometimes, even the painful memories are welcomed with open arms. 

So, I have decided to share some of my memories.  Not all at once, I want to cherish them, too.  But, here and there... a memory.


Kyara had her own nickname for herself.  Yes, we called her Kiki sometimes, especially when she was a baby and toddler.  But, even as she got older, there was one that stuck and she would remind me of her name.  I would call her "Silly".  And everytime, she would reply:  "My name is not Silly, its 'Goofyhead.'"
No exclamation point.  She was completely serious and would deadpan the answer.  I don't remember where she got this name, but she liked it.  A memory that makes me smile through my tears.

I love you and I miss you so much, Goofyhead! 

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Before and After - GRAY NEWS!

The before shot.  A little nervous!



 Final cut.  Well, from the front, I don't even look that gray!


But the side picture tells another story!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Hindsight is 20/20...or maybe not...

At this time of the year, I think back to 2 years ago and wonder... did we make the right decision to go do the esophageal surgery on Kyara?  I can honestly say..."Yes, we made the best decision we could at the time." But, I wish we had known the future, so that I could say.. "NO!  Don't do it!"  That is not the way life works though, is it?  We have to make daily decisions on what is best.  Before making the decision to have the surgery done in Michigan, I did not pray to ask if we were doing right.  I did not let God take the lead.  I trusted my own Mommy instincts to decided what was right or wrong and I walked the path alone (well, not alone, with Gunars.  And actually, the more that I think about it, I wasn't alone because God was still there.  He didn't forsake me just because I didn't ask His opinion.  Although, He may have led us in another direction.)  My point is... we made the decision with our human minds and hearts, not asking God's will.  But don't you know, the moment it was time for the surgery I was praying for a good outcome.  Again, not asking for God's will, but mine.  So goes the story of my life...  Not "Thank you, God for the awesome blessings.  How can I best serve You?"  But "God, where are you?  I need help.  Why are you not here?"  It wasn't until Kyara's cardiac arrest that I started to really pray for God's Will, but even then, it was..."Do this...oh, if it is Your Will."  I would kinda add that in as an afterthought.  And I came to realize that my plans, my will, was not being done.  I so clearly remember the day that I said "God, what is your plan?  Please help me feel peace with Your Will.  And if that means, Kyara receives your ultimate healing in Heaven, then let it be."  Suddenly, I felt an overwhelming peace and a voice in my head said, "Kyara has been ready.  We have been waiting for you to be ready."  And I knew that her time left was short and that it was ok.  It was not too long after that that Kyara's health began to decline and we ended up going through Hospice.  Although the process was hard, God carried me through it and I was at peace with our decisions.

Now, 7 1/2 months later, I am having doubts.  In the past month or so I have not been praying regularly - except the prayers with the girls before bed.  I have fallen out of my devotional time.  I have allowed Chemistry and this world take over... and now I feel like I am swimming up stream without a paddle (I know I didn't get the metaphor or similie or whatever correct, but I can't remember how the saying goes.)  I am wrestling with myself constantly as to whether we made the right decisions.  Did I really hear that from God, or was it just my mind playing tricks - or worse, was the Devil testing me?  Did I love her enough, does she know how much I love her?  Whether I prepared Kyara for God (which is my biggest fear...). They say "Hindsight is 20/20," but I say..."Not always."  Now, I make sure I pray with Kassey and Skylar.  We read a devotional Bible almost everynight, and I don't shy away from conversations anymore.  I am trying to instill the importance of having a relationship with God and Jesus.  But, what about me?  I need to focus on my relationship because it is hurting.  And I am finding that when my relationship with God and Jesus is suffering, I don't feel great.  I start to feel numb which is hurting all my other relationships around me.  So, my new goal is to start spending more time with my Lord and Savior.  I know this will help bring me out of the rut I am in.

Lord - I trusted you with my life before, I will lean on you and trust you again. 


Not to make light of the all that I have written, but just a quick Gray Hair Update:  I have an appointment to get my hair cut tomorrow (Wednesday) at 12:30 pm.  I am looking at a pixie style cut to remove alot of the colored portions.  This will be the first time I will have this short of hair.  Oh boy -- YIKES!  I will post pictures when we get home. 

One more thing -  I love to read your comments. When I see that I have a comment on the page, it absolutely makes my day.  Agree with what I write, don't agree and tell me where I am wrong, just say hello, suggest songs for the page, whatever.  I greatly appreciate you all who have kept up with us and you have been such a wonderful inspiration to me.  Thank you for caring about our family, and for "listening" to me vent. :)