Kyara Dzenis

Kyara Dzenis

Saturday, March 19, 2011

1st anniversay - Kyara Dawn Dzenis

One year ago today God gave Kyara the most precious gift - ultimate healing and a place at home with Him. Although I am so happy for her, I would give anything to have her back, even for a moment so I could hug her and kiss her and reassure her of how much I love her. I am so thankful for the time we had with her and for the lessons she has taught me, some of which I didn't learn until after her death. It is because of her that I have been on my journey to develop a relationship with God. It is because of her that I have had a journey to share with you. God works in mysterious ways and I pray you have seen His grace in her story.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Camp Stars

The weekend at Camp Stars is behind us and I can't say that I am not happy to be on the other side of camp.  Camp Stars is a camp run by Hospice Atlanta in which families who are mourning the loss of a family member can go and meet other families, enjoy the fantastic amenities at Twin Lakes, and spending bonding time while remembering our loved one.  Skylar went to the kids camp in the fall and loved it.  In fact, more than once, she cried after coming home because she wanted to go back to camp.  So this spring, we figured, why not go to the family camp?  I had some reservations about going, but if it was important to Skylar, I would do anything! 

A couple of things stood out to me during the weekend.  I live in a land of denial most of the time.  Somehow I have tricked myself into believing Kyara is just on a trip or something.  Now, I know she is in heaven and I am not delusional or anything, but I think that is a coping mechanism I have been using without realizing it.  The first night at dinner, we had to introduce ourselves and tell why we were there (who died.)  For some reason, after hearing each family say "We are so and so and we are hear because________ died," it hit home.  WE are there because Kyara died.  Even writing that doesn't seem real.  What do you mean she's dead?  She's not dead, she is just not here right now.  How do you grasp the fact that one of your babies are dead?  Well, the way I am choosing to see it is... Kyara is not dead as we know it.  She is in heaven very much alive.  She is there waiting for us to join her.  She is reminding me daily that it is my job on earth to not become spiritually dead and to rejoice in the truth of eternity together.  This time apart will be nothing compared to eternity.  In light of this way of thinking, I am going to say that I am not in denial after all.  Yes, Kyara's earthly body is dead, but now she is so much more!  Thank you, Jesus!

Another thing I realized is we are in a pretty good place right now.  Gunars and I can and have laughed again.  We enjoy today and we enjoy our girls.  Although times come when I can hardly stop crying, they are fewer and farther apart than they once were.  Memories of Kyara make me laugh more than cry these days.  She was a "Goofy-Head!"  Going to the camp and hearing everyone's heartwrenching stories was tough.  But the hardest part for me was the Memorial Ceremony at the end of the weekend.  I found it to be too much like a funeral and I have already done the funeral.  It was not something I wanted to go through again.  Once was enough for me, thank you very much.  They played very beautiful, very sad music.  The atmosphere was so solemn, as soon as you walked in it was like the air had been removed from the room and it was difficult to breathe.  People were crying before the ceremony even started.  This is the one part of the weekend that Skylar said she did not want to do.  It was...difficult.

I was happy to see how much Skylar enjoyed the counselors and the other kids at Camp Stars.  She loved them so much, we would have to "force" her to sit with us during meals!  This was a family camp after all! 

I also came to realize how difficult it is to know what to say when you find out someone's child/sister has died.  The first night, while we were checking in, there was a little girl and her father making their nametags beside us.  The administator mentioned to me that her mother was off to the side feeding their newborn baby.  The little girl was looking at me and listening to our conversation, so I asked her "Do you have a little brother or a little sister," (meaning the baby her mother was feeding.)  The girl informed me, "My little sister died and that's why we are here." Stare, stare, stare....pause. Pause.  Close your mouth, Genie, think.  Say something...anything!  "Oh, I am so sorry.  Is your mother feeding your little brother or sister?"  In my head, I am thinking... what should I say, do I mention Kyara?  Do I say, "Skylar and Kassey's sister died, too?"  How should I react?  I later learned that this is how the little girl tries to make conversations with people.  But I felt in that moment like I am sure many of you have felt when talking to me.  Especially at first.  What do I say?  Should I say this, or should I say that?  No, better stick to I am so sorry.  That is the safest route.  I don't want to upset her.  I think most of us are just looking for a connection, though.  A way to say we are not alone.

We are 3 days from Kyara's anniversary/birthday.  I am not sure how I will feel on that day.  I will do the things I do every Saturday, though.  We have soccer, both Kassey and Skylar. We will cheer them on the best we know how.  I will not stay in the bed and pull the sheets over my head, even though I may feel like it.  I couldn't decided if I wanted to do something in memory of Kyara for the 19th, there is much to be thankful for, but I would give anything to hold her in my arms again.   One day, that dream will come true! 

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Writer's Block

Not that I am a true "writer," but I seem to be having a hard time writing my thoughts lately.  I am on my 3rd draft of this post, which is something I have never done in the past.  I have alsways just written what came to mind and then posted it.  I felt that gave a more "true" idea of what I  was thinking.  This time, though, I have not had a clear direction as to what to write.  So many things have been going on in my head. 

 Kyara's 1 year anniversary is coming up in a week and half.  It has not slipped by me.  I have not talked about it much because it still feels so unreal.  I think I may still be in a denial stage.  Kassey has been kinda taking Kyara's place some, too.  I am not sure how to feel about this thought.  Kassey has been my double edge sword.  She is such a blessing.  So sweet and wonderful.  She fits right into things I remember Kyara doing.  She even wears Kyara's hand-me-downs.  These are wonderful and painful reminders everyday.  But, I also think about the future, when Kassey no longer can wear Kyara's clothes, when she bypasses Kyara's earth age and I know I am going to want these reminders back!

  I have been a bear to be around lately.  I realize I have been moody and not the friendliest of people, especially to those I love the most.  Poor Gunars gets the blunt of it.  I can be downright nasty at times.  I believe it is a defense mechanism.  The closer we get to stressful dates, the worse I am to be around.

  I am realizing I am a selfish person.  I think about me, my pain, my tragedy, my life way too much.  I have been on a journey for the past 2 years to discover a relationship with God.  In the past I have been learning alot about what scripture says, intellectual stuff, but I have not really developed a relationship.   I read scripture (and I am not sure of the book, verse, or chapter - still learning;))  but it basically says... you have done all these great things in my (Jesus) name, but I do not know you.  I am that person.  Not that I have done great things, but I think I can be all talk and no relationship, if you know what I mean.  To develop a true relationship with God, I must surrender to Him, death to self.  For a selfish control-freak person like myself, this is a very difficult step.  But as the book I was reading today says, if I want to hold onto the control of parts of my life, that means I am not trusting that God can take care of it.  And if I can't trust God, then I can't have a true relationship with Him. So, I am working on this.  I want to be able to surrender all control over to the all-knowing, all-powerful Father.  While working on my surrender issues, I have had thoughts about missionary work.  I am not sure when, how, what... but I have a strong desire to look outside myself towards how I can serve others.

 This weekend we are going to Camp Stars. This is a family camp hosted by Hospice Atlanta.  Skylar went to the Children's camp in the fall and really enjoyed it.  I am a little nervous about going, but excited as well.  I worry about the automatic wall I put up as soon as I am talking to anyone about feelings.  I know I put up the wall more for my own protection than for anything else.   I have found a place of numbness that is "comfortable" at times. 

  Sweet Kassey is asking more and more about Kyara.  Again, the double edged sword.  I love that she loves her big sister.  I love that she remembers her (at least she remembers her name and can pick her out in pictures.  Kassey was just 2 when Kyara passed away.)  She will ask me, "Momma, when is Kyara coming home?"  We will have 15-20 minute conversations about where Kyara is and why she is in heaven.  Kassey even said to me today, "I can't wait to be in Heaven so I can hug Kyara.  When can I go there?  It won't be for a long time, right, Momma?  What has to happen to my body?  Oh, that's right, it has to stop working, right?"   But Kassey doesn't really understand that Kyara isn't coming "home" because SHE is home.  We are the ones who are not home.  Kyara has the ultimate home.  Which then brings me to another thought that I have been wrestling with... if we are not made for this world, why do we spend so much effort trying to keep people here?  I for one, can't wait to die so that I can forever be in the company of my Heavenly Father.  Let me rephrase that.  I am not in a grand hurry.  I am not going to help the process along... but when God calls me home, I am ready.

 Well, there you have it.  Not a great post, just a bunch of thoughts written in a crazy post.