Kyara Dzenis

Kyara Dzenis

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Writer's Block

Not that I am a true "writer," but I seem to be having a hard time writing my thoughts lately.  I am on my 3rd draft of this post, which is something I have never done in the past.  I have alsways just written what came to mind and then posted it.  I felt that gave a more "true" idea of what I  was thinking.  This time, though, I have not had a clear direction as to what to write.  So many things have been going on in my head. 

 Kyara's 1 year anniversary is coming up in a week and half.  It has not slipped by me.  I have not talked about it much because it still feels so unreal.  I think I may still be in a denial stage.  Kassey has been kinda taking Kyara's place some, too.  I am not sure how to feel about this thought.  Kassey has been my double edge sword.  She is such a blessing.  So sweet and wonderful.  She fits right into things I remember Kyara doing.  She even wears Kyara's hand-me-downs.  These are wonderful and painful reminders everyday.  But, I also think about the future, when Kassey no longer can wear Kyara's clothes, when she bypasses Kyara's earth age and I know I am going to want these reminders back!

  I have been a bear to be around lately.  I realize I have been moody and not the friendliest of people, especially to those I love the most.  Poor Gunars gets the blunt of it.  I can be downright nasty at times.  I believe it is a defense mechanism.  The closer we get to stressful dates, the worse I am to be around.

  I am realizing I am a selfish person.  I think about me, my pain, my tragedy, my life way too much.  I have been on a journey for the past 2 years to discover a relationship with God.  In the past I have been learning alot about what scripture says, intellectual stuff, but I have not really developed a relationship.   I read scripture (and I am not sure of the book, verse, or chapter - still learning;))  but it basically says... you have done all these great things in my (Jesus) name, but I do not know you.  I am that person.  Not that I have done great things, but I think I can be all talk and no relationship, if you know what I mean.  To develop a true relationship with God, I must surrender to Him, death to self.  For a selfish control-freak person like myself, this is a very difficult step.  But as the book I was reading today says, if I want to hold onto the control of parts of my life, that means I am not trusting that God can take care of it.  And if I can't trust God, then I can't have a true relationship with Him. So, I am working on this.  I want to be able to surrender all control over to the all-knowing, all-powerful Father.  While working on my surrender issues, I have had thoughts about missionary work.  I am not sure when, how, what... but I have a strong desire to look outside myself towards how I can serve others.

 This weekend we are going to Camp Stars. This is a family camp hosted by Hospice Atlanta.  Skylar went to the Children's camp in the fall and really enjoyed it.  I am a little nervous about going, but excited as well.  I worry about the automatic wall I put up as soon as I am talking to anyone about feelings.  I know I put up the wall more for my own protection than for anything else.   I have found a place of numbness that is "comfortable" at times. 

  Sweet Kassey is asking more and more about Kyara.  Again, the double edged sword.  I love that she loves her big sister.  I love that she remembers her (at least she remembers her name and can pick her out in pictures.  Kassey was just 2 when Kyara passed away.)  She will ask me, "Momma, when is Kyara coming home?"  We will have 15-20 minute conversations about where Kyara is and why she is in heaven.  Kassey even said to me today, "I can't wait to be in Heaven so I can hug Kyara.  When can I go there?  It won't be for a long time, right, Momma?  What has to happen to my body?  Oh, that's right, it has to stop working, right?"   But Kassey doesn't really understand that Kyara isn't coming "home" because SHE is home.  We are the ones who are not home.  Kyara has the ultimate home.  Which then brings me to another thought that I have been wrestling with... if we are not made for this world, why do we spend so much effort trying to keep people here?  I for one, can't wait to die so that I can forever be in the company of my Heavenly Father.  Let me rephrase that.  I am not in a grand hurry.  I am not going to help the process along... but when God calls me home, I am ready.

 Well, there you have it.  Not a great post, just a bunch of thoughts written in a crazy post. 


Kris and Eileen Mae said...

Crazy thoughts in a post is okay. You are certainly entitled to it.

One of the best parts about your faith journey is that you aren't afraid to admit you are weak. You aren't afraid to show when you are "failing" I know in fact that you are not failing. You have inspired me not only in my personal faith walk but to have that same strength in our marriage. It has been incredible to follow you along on your journey.

A friend very recently told me that one of my greatest strengths of my faith was my ability to show and admit when I am weak. I do not walk around acting as if I have perfect faith. I know I am flawed and so is my faith and trust in the Lord. In in that flaw, that I find perfection in faith.

You are growing and it shows.

God bless you, Gunars, and the rest of your family.

I will continue to keep your family in my prayers.


Anonymous said...

Your thoughts aren't crazy. You're just one of the few that is brave enough to write down what you are really thinking. You always inspire me and I still think of you and pray for you often.
~Danielle K.

Anonymous said...

Everytime I read your post I cry. I am so proud of you that you chose to run to Jesus. Those who have no faith should ask themselves the question, What if I am wrong? The possible opportunity to spend eternity with our loved ones wouldn't even exist. How sad for those who choose to reject Christ. The Bible promises that Heaven awaits those who believe in Him. In Heaven we have no desire to connect with the world, but in Hell they forever burn and know that they chose wrong and cannot ever leave this place they chose. This life is a journey and we all fall short. You are very rich in wisdom that cannot be obtained with any college degree. We pray for your continued healing and investing in the lives of others is how we heal.

Emily said...

What a brave woman you are to admit your weaknesses to your Heavenly Father. God knows your heart and He knows that you will always yearn for your precious Kyara. Please know that Creighton and I still think about Kyara often and we will continue to pray for you and your beloved family. God does great things with those who are weak; HE makes them strong His time. Keep your chin up. May God hold you closer to Him in the days to come.

Anonymous said...

I think you are amazing. I have followed this post since shortly after you started it. You are truly reflecting Christ in your life, choices and honesty. From one control freak to another~you are very courageous in this blog. I could not put my "truths" out there as easily. It's so hard to be honest about failings in my own walk with Christ when I feel he has let me down before. A ludicrious thought that I want to banish from my heart but it's not quite ready to leave yet. Bless you and your family.