I doubt anyone reads this blog anymore. I haven't opened this blog up for years now. It is amazing how life takes over and something that was my lifeline during the time we were in the hospital becomes obsolete. So many things have changed in the past 12 years. Skylar and Kassey have grown up so much. It has a bittersweet time. I have loved watching them taking on life and finding their way, and yet I long for the time when they "needed" me. Skylar is almost 23 and is getting her doctorate in Occupational Therapy. This has been her dream for as long as I can remember. I think she was influenced by all the times she went with me and Kyara to Hands on Healing for OT and PT. She is calm, caring, and supportive with others. Kassey is a junior in high school and has committed to play soccer at Creighton University after high school Creighton is in freaking NEBRASKA! Talk about being independent!! Gunars and I will have to find ways to get out there to see her play. In the meantime, we are going to enjoy having Kassey home with us.
So why am I writing on here again... Skylar and Kassey have both read the blog. Kassey was so young when Kyara passed away, she doesn't have real memories of her. She has seen pictures and heard stories, but... she was not even a year old with Kyara received the brain injury. The other day, March 19th, was Kyara's 15th Heaven's Day and it has really hit me hard this year. I wanted to share more about Kyara with Kassey so I dug out our old camcorder and tapes (well mini CDs). After having to watch videos on YouTube to figure out how to work the ancient contraption, we finally got the videos to play. They were mostly of Skylar playing soccer, birthday party, etc after Kyara's injury. I have not looked at these videos in many years because it is just so painful, but I know I had watched one with Kyara playing soccer and being a goofball, and I wanted to share it with Kassey. As we watched disc after disc, we were not finding the one I wanted. Some of the videos made me laugh (a talent show...some basketball and scooter riding, and watching Skylar take care of baby Kassey) and some made me a little sad, when the picture zoomed in on Kyara. But one disc sent me over the edge. It was taken while we were in the hospital just a month or 2 after her brain injury. Kyara was in the hospital bed and she was waking up from sleeping. She looked so scared. She looked like she was trying to move and her body was not working. Her little eyebrows were scrunched up and she was looking up with the most bewildered look on her face. Watching this and seeing what my baby was going through... I just lost it. I don't think I have cried like that since the day she died. Kassey was home with me, and I think I may have scared her. She has never seen me this upset. It hurt to breathe. It has been 15 years and seeing her beautiful face, looking into her eyes... brought waves of pain right back on me. You know, after Kyara passed away, I still had 2 young children who needed their mother. I couldn't fall apart. I had to be strong...for them. I pushed all the pain and feelings as deep down as I could. I built up a wall. A very big strong wall. Seeing the videos of Kyara broke me and the waves are crashing in.
The pain is real. It doesn't matter if it is 15 days, 15 weeks, or 15 years. It freaking hurts.
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