2 Years Later...

It has been 2 years since Kyara's cardiac arrest.  2 years and there are parts that I remember like it was yesterday.  2 years and there are parts that I strain to remember and can't quite recreate.  On January 21, 2009, I heard my baby's voice for the last time, I felt her touch ME for the last time.  I wish I could recreate those moments.  The parts that I remember the best are the traumatic parts.  Walking around the corner and seeing one of Kyara's nurses with tears streaming down her face.  Not being told what was happening, but rather led to a "holding room" and left there with my fears racing while I waited for the doctors.  These are not the memories I want to be holding on to, but they are the one that I can't seem to let go of.

So what do you do on the second anniversary of your child's cardiac arrest which would ultimately lead to her death?  Before I answer that question, let me be clear... I lost Kyara that day.  Yes, she survived the arrest, but she never looked at me again.  She never talked to me again.  She never hugged me again.  She never talked or laughed again.  She was never KYARA again.

So, back to the question at hand...  What do you do on the second anniversary?  Well.  I don't know anyone else's answer, but I struggled to get out of bed.  Then I struggled to get dressed.  I took Kassey to a birthday party for a 3 year old in her class and I struggled to smile.  I had lunch with Bunny and Pop to investigate a resturaunt for my little brother's rehearsal dinner and I struggled to be a part of the conversation.  Tonight we will have dinner with friends then go to the high school basketball game where Skylar will be introduced and receive a trophy for winning the 3rd grade division 3v3 basketball tournament.  So, although I am in agony today, life goes on.

I believe God understands our pain.  Yesterday I got an overwhelming feeling I should watch Louie Giglio's message "How Great is Our God," so while Kassey was sleeping, I put it on the TV (I got a Passion set for Christmas).  I grabbed a blanket and snuggled into the couch with my drink and pressed play.  To be honest, I started to dose after about 30 minutes.  Not that the message was not amazing, I was just exhausted.  But I was suddenly awaken by a realization that I was asleep.  I sat up straight and put my full attention on what Louie was saying.  He was saying that the cross is proof that "God doesn't always change the circumstances, He did not change them for Jesus on that hillside outside Jerusalem.  But the cross is also proof that God always has a purpose in the circumstances and that His purpose and His plan will prevail and will triumph through any circumstances in this world."  God knew Jesus was hurting on the cross, but He didn't change the circumstance (although He could have) because He had purpose in the circumstance.  He also has purpose in our circumstance, in Kyara's circumstance.  And His purpose will be revealed, in His time. 

The other part that struck me, and has been proved to me today is scripture.  Isaiah 40:31 "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint."  No, I am not soaring high, but I did get out of bed.  I put on that smile for the birthday party.  And I will cheer like a crazy woman tonight for Skylar's trophy ceremony.  God will help me.  He will renew my strength... enough to keep me going.