Open House Tonight

Willis Road is having their Open House tonight, so I will be going back to elementary school with Skylar.  I can't say I am looking forward to this.  Everytime I go in the school, my stomach knots up.

Here are some recent pictures...

Kassey and Zoe (her cousin) at my Nannie's house before Papa's Hall of Fame Induction

Zoe, Ansley, Kassey, Curtis, Preston, and Skylar at Papa's school - Jordan High School.  We took a tour around the high school.  Papa's picture is directly above the kiddos!

Kassey and Skylar before Skylar's first day of school.

Skylar's first day of school.  I messed up the date, it should have been August 9, 2010.

Kassey's first day of school!  She was SO excited!

Kassey caught this catfish at Nannie and Papa's river.  She was sticking her tongue out at it.  Not sure if she liked the fish or not, but she wouldn't touch it!

Poor Skylar didn't have as much luck as Kassey.  I think it is because she didn't use the "barbie" fishing pole! :)

Back to School

I know I wrote in my last post that I would write again in just a few days, and then the days became weeks, but we have been CRAZY!  Or, maybe I have been crazy.  I guess it is not fair to assume everyone else in my family feels as out of control as I do.  What could make me so busy? Well, lets step back a bit in time and find out what the Dzenis clan has been doing.

As my  last post said, we made dinner for the families and staff members at Hospice Atlanta on Friday, August 6th (Kyara's earthly birthday).  I didn't know how I would feel going back into the same center where Kyara spent her last days.  Looking around, going to the playroom, and seeing some of the nurses who cared for her was a little difficult, but not as bad as I thought it would be.  I actually kinda enjoyed being there.  God was lifting me up that night, because instead of sadness of what we have lost overwhelming me, I was happy to be there serving others.  Providing good, warm, homecooked comfort and love. 

We served the dinner/buffet in the library and in the back there are windows and a door that opens up to a courtyard.  While we were sitting around talking, it began to snow the biggest snowflakes I have seen.  They were as big or bigger than the ones in Michigan (which I thought were the size of a small car!).  Imagine, SNOWING in August... in Georgia (it was close to 100 degrees outside).  Skylar and I walked over to the window, amazed by what we were seeing and realized it was a white crepe myrtle dropping flowers that was creating the "snow".  The crepe myrtles were so tall (above the roofline) that we did not notice them at first.  Haha!  As a mother of an angel, I find myself looking for signs that Kyara is trying to reach out to me all the time.  Was this a sign, was she saying "I'm here, too?"  Or, was this just flowers falling from the trees?  My yard sign swinging in the breeze, except there is no breeze... is that you, Kyara?  The rainbows?  The chill bumps I get at strange times?  The birds that come to our breakfast room window when we are eating?  Even Skylar mentioned that she sees a yellow butterfly everyday and "is it following me?  It is Kyara."

The next day, Saturday, August 7, my late grandfather was inducted into Jordan High School Hall of Fame.  He was a vice principal and principal at the school for about 30 years.  It was an amazing honor to able to attend his induction with my family.  Papa was an extraordinary man and made a positive impact on so many lives at Jordan High School.  After Kyara's death, I actually had some of his old students write me letters to let me know how much they respected my grandfather and were sure he was already in heaven to help welcome Kyara.

We are also spending time in north Atlanta at Gunars' brother's (Zigurds) house.  What do you get when you put 2 civil engineers and 1 chemical engineer together?  A huge, beautiful deck that will hopefully be done soon!  Gunars, Zigurds, and their dad (Eriks) have been working on this deck all summer.  Once it is completed it will be amazing!

Skylar started school on Monday, August 9th.  I can't believe she is in third grade.  We had meet the teacher on Friday before school started, and that was hard for me.  I am not sure what it is about the elementary school that gets me everytime I go, but it makes me sad.  I think it has to do with the fact that Kyara should be in first grade there, and she's not.  I walk down the hallways and it reminds me of taking her to school.  OUCH! After meeting Skylar's teachers, we went back to Kyara's Pre-K teacher's class.  Mrs. Carlisle and Ms. Laurie have been so great to us, and we wanted to say hello.  Well, I can truthfully say, I hope I never go in her classroom again.  That was more powerful and painful than I can explain.  I saw her cubby where she put her backpack.  The table she sat at on the first day of school when we came to celebrate her 4th birthday with icecream.  And, to top it off, there is a little boy in the class with some disabilities due to cardiac arrests he had as an infant.  While we were there, the mother and son came in.  She was so excited that her son was able to go to school.   He has overcome and continues to overcome so many obstacles.  While I am thrilled for them, my heart breaks!  I am jealous that Kyara wasn't able to recover like that, too.  They were so excited and I felt like punching a wall.  I said congratulations to them and got out as quick as I could before I burst into tears.  And so it goes....

Skylar has also started soccer again.  She is playing on a travelling team and it is much more serious than the recreation team she played for last year.  The first week of school, she had practice from Monday-Thursday.  This past weekend, Skylar had her first tournament!  4 soccer games in 2 days.  She was exhausted.  I LOVED IT!  It brought me back to my years of playing.  I had forgotten how much I love to be at the soccer field!

Kassey also started school last week.  She is going 2 days a week from 9-12.  She is going to the same pre-school/church that Skylar and Kyara went to.  Again, it was a little difficult to go into the school and see the same faces, the same rooms, the same hallways that Kyara ran down.  But, not as difficult as Willis Road was.  I think it is because Kyara completed her time at Cornerstone Kids, and she should be at Willis Road now.

During the time Kassey is at school, you would think I'd have plenty of time to write a post, right?  But, I am going to school now again, too!  I am finishing my teaching certification and I use the time Kassey is at school to study CHEMISTRY!  YIKES!  And now so much of the classes are online, I am having a hard time keeeping up with them.  Technology is kicking my rear! I am having a hard time FINDING my assignments, let alone understand the material.  I guess I will figure it out, but for now, I am drowning in this stuff!

Gunars is doing well.  He has been playing soccer and basketball during the week at night and enjoying a little family time on the weekends.  In his last soccer game, he pulled a hamstring.  He said he was trying to rip a hole in the back of the net, but instead he hurt himself.  :)  I know he enjoys playing and it helps relieve stress so I hope he will be feeling better soon!

Kyara's 6th Earthly Birthday

Whew! I am exhausted! Today has been emotionally and physically difficult. I think more emotional than physical, we were just crazy busy! Between getting food together for Hospice Atlanta, making T-shirts for us to wear, and Skylar's "meet the teacher," we have been running since 8:00 this morning! So, I am going to let the pictures do the talking and I will write again in the next day or so. The first two are of Kassey and Skylar helping me make meatloaf. Doesn't it look like fun??

We had a nice time serving the staff and families at Hospice Atlanta.

This is the front of our t-shirts. Kyara used to talk to me about the rainbows she would see when she would be put to sleep for procedures.


Skylar picked out this saying and I liked it. Even during the "bad times" we need to keep our chin up and look for the good.

Ronald McDonald House Dinner

Tonight we made dinner for the Ronald McDonald House. Once we were there, things went smoothly. Thank you to those who have given me recipes to use. You didn't know it, but I used them tonight. We served - Mimi's Meatloaf, Amy Dixon's green beans bundles, mashed potato casserole, and gooey butter cake, with bread, salad, and watermelon. Nothing like homecooked comfort food to fill some tummies!

Because there was limited ovens at the House, I decided to cook all the meatloaf before we went. I didn't want to spend the day cooking when Icould be playing with the girls, so I waited until they were in bed last night before starting the first round of meatloaf (I needed to make 3 "loaves". So after mixing all the ingredients (which includes most everything in your cupboard) and shaping the loaf. I stuck it in the oven and set the timer for 2 hours. After about 10 minutes, I realized I had forgotten a key ingredient. So I grabbed the meatloaf out of the oven and remixed it with the special ingredient. I stuck it back in the oven and reset the timer. Then I laughed about how I almost ruin the meatloaf and thank goodness it wasn't hot yet... I worked on the computer until the buzzer rang. I jumped up to check on my masterpiece and noticed I didn't smell the normal yummy smell of meatloaf. I got over to the oven and it wasn't radiating heat like it normally does. I opened the door... and you guessed it.... I had forgotten to turn on the oven. BOOOO! So at 11:30 last night, I turned on the oven and went back to work on the computer for another 2 hours of cooking.

This morning Skylar and Kassey helped me with the meatloaf. I love this recipe because you get your hands in there and really have a good time making it. The girls love to help. Kassey can help with pour in the ingredients and crunching the saltine crackers, Skylar helps chop the onions and measure the ingredients. Then when it is mixing time, we roll up our sleeves and dive in! The feel of squishing meat between your fingers is... unforgettable. I love it! It reminds me of childhood. Not sure what part exactly, but childhood in general. So the question remains... Did Genie remember to turn on the oven this time??? YES! I DID!

Luz Estela and Jeni (my sister-in-law) met Gunars, Skylar, and me at the Ronald McDonald House to prepare the rest of the food. It was fun, and I think we all had a good time. This House was different from the one we stayed in while in Michigan. Most of the families were NICU parents, or Rehab families. There were patients who were doing outpatient rehab that were staying at the house. In Michigan, we didn't see many patients. Maybe for one night if they had been discharged late in the day. Today is was interesting to see how few people actually made it to dinner. We were assured that the food would be eaten during the night and for lunch tomorrow, and I don't doubt it! In Michigan, my mom would be at the table by 5:45 in order for us to be able to sit together. People would sit and wait to be sure to get a seat! But, in both places, I know the people appreciate the food and it WILL be eaten!

I eluded to working on the computer earlier and I am sure you are wondering what I am working on. Well, I don't want to keep you in suspense any longer. I have a couple of projects. I am making t-shirts for us to wear when we serve others. I wanted it to have an inspirational saying with "rainbows" as a keyword. Kyara loved rainbows. We would talk about the things she would dream about before each procedure. Rainbows was ALWAYS something she listed. And Rainbows are God's promise to us. So I think it is fitting. Well, while I was researching the quotes, I ran across one that has really hit me. Not one to put on the t-shirt, but one that has grabbed me by the shoulders and shaken me. It said, "If you don't pray to God when times are good, don't pray when times are bad." Hmmm. There are many ways one could look at this. But here is what has grabbed me... How faithful am I? When Kyara was sick the hospital and home and I wanted her to get better I was praying like a crazy woman. After Kyara passed away, I prayed tons. But I look back to before Kyara's surgery and I see someone who almost never prayed. I think about the past week and realize, I have not done my bible study. I have not spent that time with my God. And when I pray, I realize I talk to God, but also to Kyara. When I think about heaven, I can't wait to see Kyara; God is in second place. I wonder if I believe in God, so that I can see her again. And I know this is not how I should be thinking. I should not love anything more than GOD! And yet, Kyara is the one I want to see first. Lord, forgive me! I have read comments about my faith, but the truth is, I am a work in progress. My Lord knows I am not perfect. Yet He loves me anyway.

Friday is Kyara's earth Birthday. We are going to prepare a meal for Hospice Atlanta. I am nervous and scared to go back to the center where Kyara took her last breath, but I look forward to serving other families and bringing some comfort (food) to them.

July

Wow! Where has the summer gone? It has flown by. I figured it has been a little bit since I last wrote, so I should get back to it. I didn't realize the last time I posted was July 1st! A whole month has gone by and before you know it, the kiddos will be back in school. I don't know about anyone else, but I have enjoyed having the girls home for the summer and I am not looking forward to them going back to school. Skylar, on the other hand, can't wait for school to start!

As we get closer to school starting, we are also getting closer to another "first" in the year of "firsts." Kyara's birthday is August 6. It is especially hard because it is my birthday, as well. So how do we go about this day? At times, I would like to pretend it doesn't exist, and ignore the day, but I know that won't work. Other times, I think... well last year we did a "First Annual Dzenis/Leonard Talent Show," so maybe... the show should go on. But that doesn't seem right either. Instead, I have signed us up to make dinner at the Ronald McDonald House by Scottish Rite (the hospital Kyara spent alot of time) on August 3rd (they were booked on the 6th) and dinner for the families/patients at Hospice Atlanta on August 6th. Hospice Atlanta is the hospice center we used for Kyara. I don't know if these dinners will bring me joy or sadness, but mostly likely both emotions will show their heads at some point. I look forward to the chance to give back, but to go into these places again... it will be hard. One thing I know for sure, I have to put myself out there and not be afraid of the emotions that may or may not come.

This week in the bible study I am doing, we looked at the story of Lazirus. It reminds us that all things are done for God's glory. ALL THINGS. I am not sure how God intends to use Kyara's passing to His glory, but I pray I am doing His will through this blog. He has a purpose for all things. I am working on opening my heart to receive His will.

I would love to put some pictures up, however, I have lost my camera. Yuck! So I have been taking pictures this summer with my cellphone. If I ever figure out how to post pictures from my blackberry, I will put some up. Until then, I am going to bum pictures off my dad's camera. I hope to have some new ones up soon.

Rainbow

Wow! Where does the time go? I can't believe it has been almost a month since I last posted. Summer is here and we are relaxing in the only way the Dzenis family knows how... we are staying BUSY!



So much has been happening. Skylar competed in a triathlon and did great! Swimming was not her best thing, but she made up some time on the bike and then enjoyed the run section with some new friends/competitors. I was so proud of her. I have never done a triathlon and to be honest, I don't think I will! It looked TOUGH! I will leave that up to her!



After the triathlon, we let Skylar chose where she wanted to eat lunch. She, of course, chose her Mommy's favorite place - McDonald's. I am sure many people love McDonald's, but I am not one of them. I don't like hamburgers or cheeseburgers and I think everything else taste nasty, so I have a hard time smiling when she wants to go there. In fact, I tend to throw a bit of a toddlerish tantrum. But... she did compete in a triathlon, and I was proud of her, so... off to McDonald's we went. While in line to get food, I heard some people kinda chuckling, so I turned around to see what was so funny. MY KASSEY had her shorts AND her PANTIES down around her ankles, was bending over slightly and shaking her "hiney." At the same time she is SINGING, "Hiney, Hiney, Hiney!" I couldn't help but laugh as I sternly told her to pull her pants back up! Inside I was ROLLING! Gunars was too embarrassed to say or do anything. I think shock kinda took over on him.



We have gone to the beach for another Leonard/Dzenis vacation. It is always nice to get together with the whole clan and enjoy a week together. It is crazy, loud, exciting, not so much relaxing, but a good time never-the-less. Gunars and I took the girls down to Panama City Beach for a couple of days before joining everyone at Blue Mountain Beach. We saw some tar balls, but it didn't hinder our swimming or fun in the sun. The algae was more of a problem. Sometimes it felt like we were swimming in soup. Yuck! We had an episode with a shark. That was exciting. We were out in the water, when my sister-in-law said something hard hit her leg. I figured it was probably someone else's leg, but the Gunars looked up at us all and said (in a very firm but relaxed voice) "We need to get out, now." He saw in the water, swimming between our legs what appeared to be a 2-3 foot shark. We all got out, waited for 15 minutes or so, and then went back in. I know sharks live in the ocean, but I don't like thinking about them actually swimming by my legs. Had Missy not felt it, we would have never know it was there. I wonder how often that happens?!



Vacation this year was hard. This is a year of firsts. The first vacation at the same beach house we have been to with Kyara, but this time, she is not there. I had a rough couple of days. Especially the first night. I started to get really moody the morning we were heading there. By the time we got to the house, Gunars and I were barely on speaking terms (mostly my fault, I gave him the cold shoulder all day!) The other day that was rough was the last night and the day we left. I am not sure why. Thinking back on it, I wonder if it is because the vacation was over and Kyara was still not there. I have this strange expectation sometimes, that if I just wake-up, or go to sleep, or stay in a spot long enough, she will come back. Vacation couldn't be over because Kyara had not come back yet.



While we were gone, one of the wonderful ladies that took care of Kyara at Day Surgery at Children's Healthcare of Atlanta passed away. Kay took care of Kyara every Friday for 2 years. She had ALS and after battling for the past few months, Kay is now at peace. I'd like to think Kyara helped to welcome her in Heaven. Perhaps Kyara took care of Kay this time. I went to Kay's memorial service on Tuesday. It was beautiful. Many of the nurses from CHOA were there, and it was bitter-sweet to see them again. I was amazed by how many people remembered Kyara. Even one of the anesthesiologist remembered who she was. It has been 2 years since we were at Day Surgery and it was touching (ok, I cried alot) to see how she touched so many lives. And in the same way, Kay touched my life. She took fantastic care of Kyara. She helped watch Kassey when she was a newborn and I would run to the cafeteria for some breakfast. She would slip in to our room to see if we needed anything or just to talk for a bit. As hard as it was to go to her Memorial Service, and it was HARD!, I am glad I went. I wanted her daughter to know that Kay made a difference in her patients' lives, too.



Lately I have been struggling more. I know I have said that before, but it is still true. I can be ok one minute, sad the next, or worse - numb for the rest of the day. Numbness is the worst to me. I feel completely cut off from my emotions, and the emotions of others. I shut down with girls and Gunars. It is unfair to them and it is something I am praying about and working on, but as they say, "It takes time." But, I have been praying for God to help heal my heart. Tonight we saw a rainbow that ended in our driveway. It was bright and beautiful. We sat in the car and stared at it and it slowly faded away. It reminds me that God promised to love me, comfort me, and He will never leave me. I think it may have been Kyara coming down to say hello and that she is ok. It may have been nothing more than the reflection of the sun in the raindrops, but here is the best part.... in my mind, it gets to be what I want it to be!

Carseat and Wheelchair

I am trying to clean out things that we no longer need, but could be a use to others. I still have Kyara's special needs carseat. It is a Roosevelt carseat and goes up to 150 lbs. I would like to find a family that has a special needs child that would use it. I don't want to just take it to some odd corporation for it to be "borrowed" or placed. Maybe it is silly, but I want to know who I am giving it to. So, if anyone knows someone who is in need, please give them this blog and tell them to leave a comment with an email address. I would like to give it to someone who will use it.

I also have Kyara's wheelchair. It is a zippy pediatric chair with recline. Since it has her name on it, I am not sure what to do with it. I am thinking about giving it back to wheelchair place so they can use it as a loaner, but if someone needed it, I would prefer that.

I have mixed emotions when it comes to getting rid of these things. I am sad because they were Kyara's and I don't want to get rid of anything that was hers. At the same time, I don't want to keep them. They are of NO use to us, they could be useful for someone else, and this is not how I want to remember Kyara. So, I really don't understand why have this tugging that says "Hold on to it." Why has it taken me so long to put it out there? Because it was hers. But, knowing it will help someone else. Knowing the COST involved with special needs equipment, it will be a blessing to find these items a new home.

Changing

Gunars and I decided to paint the interior of our house. This past spring, we had a new roof put on, new gutters, and painted the shutters. We now are getting to the inside. When I first thought about this, I felt like it would be a good idea. We are painting all of the rooms, Kyara's room, too. I thought this might me healing. A fresh start. I don't want to walk by her room and think of her lying in her hospital bed. I want a new beginning to a new life we are going to have to lead. Nothing a little paint can't fix, right? Wrong. You can't paint over a broken heart and expect it to mend. Sometimes I think I am delusional. If you recall, a year ago, I believed that if we got the heck out of Michigan and came to Atlanta, Kyara would be healed. I have this idea that if I don't let my mind wander towards the grief I feel, then it will all go away. And if I paint my house, life will begin again. It doesn't work that way.

I find that I am struggling more now than I was a month or 2 ago. I feel like I have all these walls up so that I won't feel sad. Unfortunately, it goes the other way, too. I don't feel happy either. I have a hard time enjoying life, my girls, Gunars, everything. I went to dinner and movie with ladies from the church last night and although it was nice to get out, I couldn't allow myself to enjoy it. I couldn't bring down the walls and really join conversations or start conversations. This was never my strong suit, I guess I'm a bit shy, but I long for friends and that ability to just let loose.

Kassey reminds me so much of Kyara that it is painful. At times, I feel like I resent her for not being Kyara. What a terrible thing! I love Kassey very much and I hate feeling that way, but it is the truth. And, since this is my blog, I am going to write how I am feeling. Kassey is very strong-willed, she has mannerism that match Kyara to a "T". The way she holds her arms back when she runs, the way she wiped her face with her hand the other day, her love for books, and asking me over and over "why?" to EVERYTHING remind me of Kyara. My mom has said to me that Kassey has been such a blessing. To have her here while we have gone through this nightmare, to be able to laugh at/with her, and to be able to enjoy her being...well, two. Yes, but at the same time, it is torture. I know that is not a popular thing to say. I don't want the wrong idea to get out... I wouldn't want it any other way.... well, that's not true, I would just want my healthy Kyara here, too. But I love and adore Kassey, through the pain.

Skylar finishes school today. No longer a 2nd grader, she is moving up to 3rd grade! She is officially halfway through elementary school! Wow! She had soccer camp this past week and although she said she enjoyed each day, she did not like it being EVERYDAY! Well, that is fine. I am not going to push her into doing soccer just because I want her too. If she wants to do a different sport or activity, that would work. But she must DO something! I don't want her sitting around watching TV all day.

This summer we have decided to impose a no electronics rule. (Thank you, Lopers! I am sure Skylar would like to thank you, too :) ) From after breakfast until dinner, no electronics will be on at our house. This means no tv, computer, wii, didj, etc. Now, I will have to make an exception during the World Cup, because Mommy wants to watch it! But otherwise, unless it is raining, we are going to be active, reading, and sightseeing. This is my goal... we will see how it works.

This weekend is our Leonard Family reunion in Eastman, Georgia. This is my dad's side of the family and I am looking forward to seeing everyone. I don't get to see my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins very often anymore so I am excited to spend the day with them.
This weekend is also Memorial Day weekend. I'd like to thank all of our verterans and servicemen/women who protect our nation. They live and die for our freedom. I would also like to thank their families for the sacrifices they make while their mothers, fathers, sons, daughters are deployed.

I thank God for the freedom we have in our nation. I thank Him for the bravery of the men and women who make that possible. I pray for peace in my house and in my heart. I lift up my pain to God and I am allowing Him to lead us in the right (His) direction.

Skylar's 8th Birthday!

I have some pictures, but I have NO IDEA how to download them from my mobile phone to this blog. I will work on it and post some.



We went to the driving range today with Bunny and Pop for Skylar's birthday today. I think everyone enjoyed it. Kassey even tried to hit a few. Skylar is doing well. Sometimes she hits the "big ball" (earth) instead of the little ball, but hey... not bad for just beginning! I am just amazed that she is already 8. I know, everyone always says, "Boy, it goes so fast!" I was warned... take lots of pictures because before you know it she will be grown. Well, we are moving at warp speed! It seems like just yesterday Gunars and I were in line at the movies to see I Am Sam when I decided I had better go to the restroom before we got seats. Well, we never got to the seats because my water broke and there was meconium (when the baby poops, which could be a sign of distress) in it. So we went directly to the hospital, right? NO, we headed straight to my parents' house so I could change underwear! Of course, clean undies only lasted about 2 minutes... I know too much information. Skylar will be horrified when she reads this :)

Anyway, 9 hours and one epidural later, Skylar Rose Dzenis was born at 4:50am and Gunars and I were thrilled and scared to death at the same time. I think the scariest moment was when they put us in the car to go home and we drove off! WE were now responsible for this precious, perfect, completely dependent baby; and Gunars had never even changed a diaper before! What were they thinking, letting us leave like that??? Turns out, Skylar has been a wonderful daughter and Gunars is a darn good daddy, too.



I don't know why I decided to bore you with that story, but, there it is. Each of my girls has a completely different birth story. It seems to me that their births has mirrored their personalities in ways. Skylar was easy, pretty calm, no biggie. Ok, the water breaking at the theater part was a little exciting, but the actual birth, was very low key. My midwife ate a popscicle during it (luckily she finished in time to wash her hands and catch!) I had the epidural and didn't feel a thing! Very easy-going. That is Skylar. Kyara was 8 days late, then born in 45 minutes on the triage table. That was Kyara. She was head strong and wanted to do things her way. I smile as I write that. Strong-willed. That is what a nurse told me once. Kassey's birth was a combination of the 2 previous. She was 5 days late and I started feeling contractions at the movies. I was sure she would go fast, too, since Kyara had been so quick. Gunars and I headed to the hospital and after 2 hours of monitoring and laps around the hospital and alot of stairs (the next day my legs were so sore from skipping up stairs trying to get the labor to COME ON!), we were sent home. 3 hours and no sleep later, I woke Gunars up and told him I wanted to go back to the hospital. Kassey finally arrived 4 hours later.



There I go again with the boring birth stories. Sorry.



Back to Skylar. She has been amazing through the past 8 years. Skylar has been through alot. She has seen alot. She was with us when Kyara drank the chemical that injured her esophagus. She saw Kyara's tongue turn black and swell out of her mouth. She watched her sister go through hospitalization after hospitalization. She has seen her intubated more times than I want to count. She has learned how to use a g-tube and learned that it is not a big deal. She has seen her strong-willed, energetic little sister fight to lead a normal life. She is learning to deal with the death of her sister and best friend. And Skylar has done these things with amazing grace. She is teaching Kassey through her example everyday how to be a better person.



Yesterday we made cookies for an older couple who live in our neighborhood. Skylar made a get well card, because the gentleman has ALS. This is a disease that has taken over his body, mind, emotions... life. He is now wheelchair bound and dependent on his wife and friends for everything. As we went in to see him, he began to cry. His wife explained that he isn't able to control his feelings because of the disease, but she said it softly and really... to me. At seeing this gentleman, who I have seen outside in his yard for the past 10 years in this state, I was brought to tears of my own. So, my neighbor and I cried. After regaining our composure, we had a nice visit for a bit and then we said our goodbyes. Skylar and Kassey were very good while we were there and joined in the conversation quite a bit... ok, Kassey played with the dog in the window, but she was entertaining. So today I asked Skylar what she thought about our visit. She was concerned as to why I was crying. I explained that the gentleman reminded me of Kyara. He was once a vibrant, active man and now his body is shutting down, much like Kyara's body shut down. She accepted this. Then she asked about why the gentleman was crying. I asked her if she remembers how Kyara used to cry alot after her anoxic brain injury. And how she couldn't help it. Well, it is alot like that. I think he is unable to control his crying because of the disease he has. This made perfect sense to Skylar and she said she would like to visit them again. I am so glad. She has also told me she wants to make cookies for some other people we know who are going through some harder times. And she is asking when we are going to do dinner for the Ronald McDonald House in Atlanta. But, she told me tonight, "I know you are going to cry when we go." Yes, Skylar, you are probably right. Sometimes, a cry is a good cry, though.



I don't know how I have gotten off on so many different tangents tonight. I did want to mention, Skylar had her first spend the night party this past weekend, and Gunars and I survived! We went to the movies to see "The Spy Next Door" and I cried (do you see a theme? I seem to cry easily!) "The Spy Next Door" is a Jackie Chan movie for kids. It is ridiculous for me to cry in this movie. I am such a sap! We took Skylar to the Fabulous Fox Theater in Atlanta to see Mary Poppins (which is her favorite movie). This weekend we are having family over to celebrate Skylar's birthday. So, Skylar has not had just a birthday, but a birthweek. Well, good for her. She is a huge blessing and I thank God for allowing her to be in my life!



HAPPY 8TH BIRTHDAY, SKYLAR!!!!

How Many Children Do You Have?

Recently I have been getting out a little more and meeting new people. A questions that always seems to come up (which is a normal "get to know you" question) is "Do you have any children?" My answer of course is "Yes." Follow up is almost automatic. "How many?" This is a very difficult question for me to answer and one that brings tears to my eyes everytime. I know these new people who have never met me probably think..."What is with this weirdo?" while I hesitate to answer. How many children do I have? Well... do you want a simple number as of the present? That would be the easiest way to answer. "I have two girls... Skylar, who is 7 and Kassey, who is 2." But, really I have 3 beautiful girls... one just happens to be an angel now. Am I not suppose to mention her? What a conversation ender it is to mention your daughter passed away almost 2 months ago. Talk about akward silence following that piece of information! I don't want Kyara's memory to be forgotten. I want people to talk to me about her. Yes, I will probably cry. Yes, it will be difficult. But it is also such a blessing to have people ask about her. What she was like. What she liked to do. How she blessed my life for 5 and 1/2 years. How she brought me back to God. She was/is amazing. Those who knew her before the cardiac arrest, I am sure have fond memories of her. Mention them to me! Please don't think she should not be mentioned so that I can be protected from the pain. She was one of my babies and knowing how she touched others' lives brings me joy.

So, back to what I first started this blog with... What to say when someone asks me how many children I have. I am not sure how to answer. She is still my daughter. She is just with her Almighty Father, now. I think it will depend on who is asking as to how I will answer. The cashier at the grocery store will probably get the "2" answer. Someone I will be spending more time with, and creating a lasting relationship with, may get a "2 girls and a beautiful angel" answer. I think it also depends on my emotional state at the time. If I know I am already about to start wailing just thinking about her, I may skip any conversation and go find some tissues!!!

Skylar is turning 8 years old next week. I can't believe it! We are having a couple of girls spend the night on Friday and then a few more over on Saturday for movie and pizza. Skylar's first spend-the-night party. YIKES!! I am not sure I am ready for this! Skylar is also finishing her soccer season on Sunday. Alot going on this weekend! School is almost out, and I am not sure where the time has gone. It seems like school just started.

Kassey is as crazy as ever. She is a climbing maniac! She loves to climb on everything. Jump on trampolines, run in the driveway, go on the zip-line. She is all over it all! She thinks she is as big as Skylar.

Gunars is playing basketball and soccer during the week which has given him a good outlet to burn off some emotions and stress. We are also doing P90X. For those of you who know what that is, pray for us!! For those of you who don't know... pray for us! It is an extreme workout for 90 days. I am hoping it will get me in shape to run the Peachtree Road Race on July 4th, but considering I ran 2 miles the other day and had to stop 3-4 times, I have a LONG way to go! As I said...pray for us!

I would also like to thank everyone for the delicious meals that were given to us after Kyara passed away. It was so nice to not have to think about cooking. Sometimes I had a hard time thinking about showering, but I wouldn't dare ask anyone to come and scrub my back! Thank you so much for helping us in so many tremendous ways. Thank you to all who have donated to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta in Kyara's memory. We know the children at Scottish Rite benefit from the donations.

Change in Music

Short post, because I am suppose to be cleaning the house. Shhh! Don't tell!

I changed the music to reflect some music that has really touched me. I think it represents how I am feeling and what I believe. I hope you enjoy the change... Check out the songs!

Home and Back to Routine

Waiting for the Disaster Show at Univeral Studios. Kassey cracks me up!

In front of the future Harry Potter World at Univeral Studios-Islands of Adventure

Universal Studios - Island of Adventure

Happy Easter! Skylar decorated her cookie with our Gainesville Friends!

Kassey couldn't wait to take a bite!

Disney, SeaWorld, Universal Studios, and Gainesville (Home of the GATORS! GO UF!), was fun! We have been home for almost 2 weeks now and we are getting back into our routine. Things are getting back to "normal", but things are not "normal" anymore. They haven't been "normal" in a long time. At some point, we have to sit down and redefine what "normal" is for our family. Kyara is no longer with us, and that is NOT normal. Skylar and Kassey have lost their sister and that is NOT normal. Gunars and I have outlived one of our children by MANY YEARS (God willing) and that is NOT normal. And yet, life still goes on. we still have soccer, we still go swimming, we still laugh and play in the back yard. We still do "normal" things. For me, as I go through these activities, I have an emptyness that weighs on my heart and chest. I smile and play with the girls, but the weight does not go away. I think that for a long time I was in "the battle." No time to reflect, I just wanted to do what was best for Kyara, the girls, and Gunars. No time to really absorb the loss of our old Kyara, I was too busy trying to take care of the new Kyara. And now that our prayers for healing have been answered (although I wish it had been here on earth), I have found time to think through the past 18 months. New emotions arise stronger... Anger is among the strongest right now. And I find I don't always direct my anger in the right ways, I have become quite moody and hard to deal with. Poor Skylar seems to get most of it. Don't take this wrong, I am in NO WAY abusive. It is more silly things. For example, we have always let the girls pick out their own clothes. Lately, I have decided that Skylar needs to match her clothes better. I would love for her to wear the clothes a 5 year old would wear. She is NOT liking my ideas and we seem to fight over clothing alot. Silly... why am I doing this? Not really sure. Maybe I want her to look like a 5 year old to remind me of a healthy, living Kyara. Maybe its because I don't want her to look like we have forgotten about her (because we haven't!). I don't know.


Here is what I do know. Now that things are settling down, I am having a harder time. Now that I am having a harder time, I need to rely on God's strength to help me through. He is there for us. He has never left us. And I believe He has healed Kyara in the way only He could.

Three weeks

It has been three weeks since Kyara grew her angel wings. Sometimes I feel ok with knowing she is healed. I feel happy for her to be playing in heaven. Other times... I am mad. Not at God, as some have suggested, but at Kyara's situation. I am mad at myself for not stopping her from drinking the chemical when she was little. For not knowing that she would have some many problems from the surgery. For not knowing she would have the cardiac arrest. For not being able to make her better. I know these are not reasonable things, but it doesn't stop them from ruNning through my head. They help cause the knot that is constantly in my stomach, the feeling that my heart is no longer whole. This is not the path I would have chosen for Kyara... But then again, I am not God. He is faithful, and He knows the plans He has for each of us. Plans to better us, not to harm us.

So for the past week we have taken a triP with Skylar and Kassey. We went to Gainesville and stayed with friends, kayaked Rainbow River (and saw a Gator!), went to a butterfly garden and a Gator Lacross game. That was Saturday. Then we headed to Orlando to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure,Disney Magic Kingdom, Epcot, and Hollywood Studios, and Seaworld. IT has been a busy week! We are now headed back to Gainesville to see the Orange and Blue game tomorrow. I will write more later, but since I am writing this on my blackberry (crackberry?), my thumbs seem to be cramping!

Kyara's Eulogy

I have been asked by several people to please post Kyara's eulogy that Gunars did at her funeral. I must say, maybe I am biased, but I think he did a fantastic job. I know I could not have stood up there, kept my composure and discuss Kyara's life in front of everyone.


So here it is...


"To say that we have suffered would be an understatement. But what may not be so clear, is that if this is the way it was to end, I wouldn’t change a thing. Kyara has enriched our lives in such an amazing way that she truly was an earth angel. Our lives have experienced such deep emotions that we can begin to feel and appreciate the beauty of life.

Nothing about Kyara Dawn was average or usual. It starts with her birth. She was 8 days past her due date and she decided to be born on her mom’s birthday, August 6. Skylar Rose and I happened to go with Genie to the hospital on that day because of a scheduled Doctors appointment. Genie started to go into labor so they sent her to the Triage room with other patients. We were used to long deliveries and had nothing to worry about. When my dad came to get Skylar, I went to the Triage room mentally prepared for the marathon that was coming. I heard a woman screaming in horrible pain. I felt bad that Genie had to be in a room with a screaming woman. That woman screaming was Genie and she was going through a “precipitous” birth. Kyara was coming, and she was coming now! Genie pushed 4 times and Kyara was born. This is a very painful way of delivering a baby and Genie was not shy about screaming. After Kyara was born and everybody was ok, I told Genie I was going to get some water. She thought it was for her. In reality, I was about to pass out and didn’t want Genie to worry about me. I turned the corner, told a nurse I was about to pass out, and… I passed out.


Kyara came to us the way she left us, shockingly.


The truth is that Kyara looked at death in the face several times and said, “not yet”. We all know that death has an undefeated record, but Kyara took the game of life into quintuple overtime.

When Kyara was 2 years old she drank a chemical, potassium hydroxide. This is a nasty chemical that eats your skin. The Doctors warned us that she may not make it. She was in a medically induced coma for one week. She could’ve left us then. But she wasn’t ready. Overtime.

We were in an Intensive Care Unit for another 7 weeks. During this time there was a perforation of her stomach wall and she needed emergency surgery. She took death to double overtime. “Not yet”, she must have said. Those were hard times, but she won. Her esophagus was damaged and she couldn’t eat solid foods. She had to be fed through a g-tube. But she was alive and full of life. We felt invincible and so happy.

She went to the hospital once a week for an outpatient dilation of the esophagus that kept scarring down. The Doctor would open it up so her saliva could go down.

None of this could slow her down. She knew the routine of her outpatient dilation so well that she could do all the pre-op testing herself, like take her weight, blood pressure, temperature, and the order of all her medications. The regular nurse would give Kyara the equipment and Kyara would do it all. When a new nurse would come, she would tell her how it had to be done.

She was an orange belt in karate. During karate sensei instructs the students on the procedure of an attack and there is a lot of repetition. He would say, 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2. Kyara raised her hand one time when she was a beginner. Uh, oh, what was Kyara going to say?! Nobody questions sensei during class. She asked him, “When are you going to say 3?”.

Kyara played soccer. She told us before a soccer game that she would score 10 goals. Considering she was 3 years old and most kids don’t understand the object of the game, her comment was funny. Taking into account that the game was only 20 minutes she would have to score every two minutes, almost impossible. But like everything she did, she was amazing. She was determined to score 10 goals. After every goal she would look at us and count out loud her count. “7”, “8”. It was a little embarrassing, but we were proud of her too.

She also loved to read. While her Pre-K class was learning the letters of the alphabet she was reading Skylar’s 1st grade sight words. She was also able to do simple math. She kept talking about all her boyfriends. She said that she had 7 boyfriends and apparently one of them regularly pushed her while she was in the tire swing during recess. Pre-K seemed a little young for me to be worrying about boyfriends. But this was Kyara’s world, I was just living in it.

I remember Kyara wanted to eat pizza more than anything else.

When she was 4 years old, we had to do surgery to completely remove the esophagus and raise her stomach. During this complicated surgery we were told that her esophagus was very scarred and attached to her aorta. Once again, she was not ready to leave us and took death to triple overtime. And she survived… again.

During her long and difficult recovery Kyara was nothing short of incredible. They had her very heavily medicated, enough to put an adult to sleep. In fact she was under such a heavy dose of medication that Kyara was intubated, she had a tube down into her lungs to help her breathe. But she was awake and playing Candyland! Doctors would come and into her room and be shocked that she was not only awake but coherent. She also figured out that if she would pretend to be asleep when a doctor or nurse would come into her room that they would leave her alone. She played possum often and very well.

Before she was allowed to leave the hospital she had to see a speech therapist. We were ready to go back home after 6 weeks of being in the hospital and needed her to show the therapist that she was fine. Now, Kyara liked to talk… a lot. Her vocabulary was very high. She could talk your ear off too and liked to ask many questions. Imagine Genie’s surprise when Kyara would not talk and even pretended the Therapist was not in her room by staring at the wall. When the therapist left, Kyara told Genie that she didn’t talk because the Speech Therapist looked “crazy”. She would also race down the hospital hallways in a red tricycle with the Physical Therapist chasing behind her. Only Kyara ….

Kyara finally came home right before Christmas 2008, and she got to eat pizza! Yes! What a happy time. We were all home, together and healthy. Kyara told me she even saved Kassey Rain’s life twice during this time. Apparently, Kassey was eating leaves and Kyara felt she would choke on them so she stuck her fingers in Kassey mouth and took out all the leaves, twice! Thank you Kyara!

Just one more outpatient procedure and we would be done. God obviously had other plans, and during the outpatient procedure she suffered an anoxic brain injury, 45 minutes of not enough oxygen. She did survive, though. “Not yet” she must have said. Quadruple overtime. During the next 6 months in the Intensive Care Unit and Rehab Center she developed an air pocket in the intestine wall that required immediate emergency surgery. Quintuple overtime.

Your determination to live is amazingly unusual, but that is just the way you have always been.

Nothing about Kyara has ever been normal. When she was born, she had a lot of hair on top of her head and nowhere else. Her teeth didn’t come until she was 2. Her favorite color was yellow. Yellow? I thought all little girls liked pink and purple. She insisted that her eyes were the color of French Onion Soup. She explained to me, when she was 4, that leaves change color when the chlorophyll falls out, I still don’t know where she got that information. It was impressive that she could say and remember “chlorophyll”. It was impressive that she could repeat that sentence. But most impressive of all, she UNDERSTOOD what she was saying. To be honest, I don’t know if that’s what really happens to leaves, but I know better than to second guess what Kyara said. Kyara understood so many things, she had a natural instinct and intelligence that was unusual. She absolutely was more intelligent than me.

Kyara has helped us feel the complete range of emotions to their fullest extent. We have felt emotional pain that was physical like we didn’t know possible. We have experienced sadness, terror, fear, rage, guilt, anger, despair, anxiety, and now grief to the fullest meaning of each word. We have also had some of the most wonderful emotions thanks to Kyara. I have never loved the way I loved Kyara. We have felt the boundless love from her school, our community, and our neighbors. Most of Kyara’s doctors, nurses and therapists have been fantastic. Humans are basically good people who try to help each other. Kyara has made me laugh several times so hard that my stomach muscles hurt and I couldn’t breathe while tears poured out of my eyes. I have never laughed so hard. When Kyara was happy it was contagious. She had the biggest, brightest, most beautiful smile. When Kyara laughed everybody laughed. We are so proud of Kyara for everything that she has done. Her determination and focus in what ever she did was unparalleled. The good times with Kyara were so pure, so deep and so majestic it redefines the meaning of ecstasy. Kyara has helped us form friendships and meet some very incredible people. Kyara has also brought us closer to God. We are, without a doubt, better people because Kyara touched our lives in such a profound way. Just like one needs hunger to appreciate food, we will appreciate and live life while having felt many emotions to their fullest extent.

Unlike birds that have to learn how to fly, when they put the angel wings on Kyara, she already knew how to use them. She was an earth angel. She will soon have a play date with a butterfly in a meadow of beautiful flowers. She will have a rose with her at dawn and she will laugh in the rain."


Take care and God bless you.

Taking Toys to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta

Yesterday my mom and Gunars' dad help us organize all of the toys that were donated at Kyara's service to take up to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta (Scottish Rite). I was shocked and amazed by the amount of toys, books, dvds, etc given. It was a great feeling to load up the entire bed of the truck and have more in the cab of the truck on the way up. It took 4 wagons, loaded with 4 boxes each, to get all the goodies into the doors. Thank you all so much for your donations!!! I pray these toys will light up the eyes of some of the kids at Scottish Rite.

Thank you!

Kyara's Celebration

Yesterday was perfect, as perfect as it can be when you are missing your daughter. The amount of love and support we received was amazing. We are thrilled with the toys that we will donate to Children's Healthcare in Atlanta. Kyara played with the toys so much while we were there, we feel it is the perfect way to remember her.

She looked like a beautiful angel. I was pleased that she still looked innocent and like a little girl. She was not heavily made up, she look...perfect.

The service was great, too. As much of it as I could hear, anyway. Kassey wanted to play with the toys and touch Kyara's picture, so she was a bit...noisy. Gunars read a euology that was awesome. Really explained Kyara's life and how much impact she has had on ours. Reverend Mark Westmoreland's sermon and Kristen's scripture readings were right on.

After the service we released doves and then went to Kyara's "birthday celebration." Skylar thought this idea up. We were discussing whether Kyara would age in heaven. I said, "I don't know." She asked, "Will she have a birthday?" I said we can still celebrate her birthday. And then after thinking about it for a second, I said, "You know, it is like she has been born again, just in Heaven. She has moved from this world and is now in her Heavenly Body. Skylar said, "So it is like she has two birthdays." Exactly. So from then on, we decided the reception after the service would be referred to as a Birthday Party. We had yellow, pink, and purple balloons. The tables were covered in the same colors and we tried to make it a more festive scene. This is more Kyara's style. It represents her much better than everyone sitting around sad. I hope she enjoyed it.

I thank God everyday for the 5 years we had with Kyara. I thank Him for the new relationships that have been born through Kyara's tragedy. I thank Him for the strength to see the light during the past year and a half. I would like to thank you for reading this blog, posting comments that have kept us going, and for helping celebrate Kyara's life (whether you were there, sent me a message, prayed for us to have strength, or just thought of Kyara).

Meal Arrangements...

My wonderful sister-in-law, Missy, wrote this...

My name is Missy Leonard. I am married to Genie's brother, Allen. There have been a large number of people to ask me how they can help Genie & Gunars right now. Right now, providing meals for their family would be very helpful. I have created a Care Calendar to coordinate meals for them. If you would like to provide a meal for them, visit http://www.carecalendar.org/logon/35426 and enter the following information in the appropriate spaces:

CALENDAR ID : 35426
SECURITY CODE : 6517

If you have trouble with this, please contact me either on email (missy.leonard@comcast.net, or phone 770.461.0238)

Thank you so very much!

Kyara's Obituary

We have been working on getting arrangements in place. This is the obituary as we are sending it into the papers so it can be there for tomorrow's printing. We would like to sincerely thank everyone who has been there for us through the past year and a half. We truely enjoy reading your posts and knowing that Kyara has touch so many lives. Her life was short, but God helped her move mountains with her story.


Kyara Dawn Dzenis
8/6/2004 - 3/19/2010



Our beloved Kyara Dawn Dzenis, 5, of Sharpsburg, GA passed away on March 19, 2010 and is now playing with the angels in heaven.

She was born on August 6, 2004 at Southern Regional Hospital in Riverdale, GA. She went to school at Willis Road Elementary for Pre-K and then Poplar Road Elementary in Coweta County.

Kyara was an inspiration to all that knew her. She was brave, tough, and determined. She was an orange belt in karate, a soccer player and liked to read and write. She was very sweet and loving. To know Kyara was to be entangled in her web of charm. It was a blessing to have been a part of Kyara’s life.

Kyara is survived by her parents Gunars and Genie, and her 2 sisters, Skylar Rose and Kassandra Rain, all of Sharpsburg, GA; grandparents Mike and Peggy Leonard of Fayetteville, GA, Eriks Dzenis of Sharpsburg, GA and Luz Estela Robledo of Duluth, GA; great-grandparents Betty and Merle Leonard of Eastman, GA and Angelyn Screws of Columbus, GA; preceded in death by great-grandfather William A. Screws of Columbus, GA. Additionally, Kyara is survived by numerous loving aunts, uncles, cousins and incredibly caring and supportive friends.

A celebration of Kyara’s life will be held at 3:00 pm, March 23, 2010 at Fayetteville First United Methodist Church 175 E. Lanier Ave. Fayetteville, GA 30214. A viewing will be held one hour prior to the funeral service beginning at 2:00 pm. All are invited to join Kyara’s family and friends in refreshments and fellowship immediately following the service in the church’s fellowship hall.

In lieu of flowers, the family is requesting donations of DVDs, blank journals or toys (please see guidelines at http://www.choa.org/default.aspx?id=4178) that will be given in Kyara’s name to the Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta for its patients. There will be an area at Kyara’s services to drop off donations.

We love you, Kyara!

Planning Arrangements

We are working on arrangements for Kyara's service. We hope to have the service Tuesday, March 22, but we still have to make sure it will work with both the funeral home and our church. The service will be held at Fayetteville First United Methodist Church in Fayetteville, Georgia. As for visitation and such... we are thinking of having some time before the service for viewing and would like to invite everyone to join us in a celebration of her life immediately following her service at the church. Exact details will follow as we get them ironed out. I will know more tomorrow after meeting with both the funeral home and the church.

Today has been a better day than I expected it would be. We have tried to keep things as normal as possible for the girls. Skylar played in her soccer game this afternoon and played FANTASTICALLY! She said she thinks Kyara helped her...I think so, too. Skylar is now at a birthday party where they are having "makeovers." I received at text picture (Thank you, Marcia!) and she looked like she was having a blast. Kassey is hanging with Gunars and me while we get errands done and details figured out. We ate lunch with one of my brothers (Matt) and his family, my parents, and Gunars' mom (Luz Estela) and it was nice to just relax a little and enjoy everyone's company.

Playing with the Angels

At 6:40 this evening, Kyara grew her angel wings. She is playing and running, talking and laughing with her Heavenly Father and the other angels.

Thank you for your continued prayers and support. We already miss her terribly, but know she is at peace and is finally HEALED!

Sleep-Over

Gunars, Skylar and Kassey spent the night with Kyara and I last night. I loved having the family together again. Skylar, Kassey and I slept on a air mattress while Gunars slept with Kyara in her bed. I can't say anyone got great sleep, but I think it will make for a good memory in the future. Our air mattress partially deflated half-way through the night, and since I am the heaviest of the three of us, Kassey and Skylar ended up sleeping on top of me. I would wake up and move everyone around, but as Skylar said, "There is a 'hole' I keep getting rolled in." I guess I am the "hole." :)

Kyara's coloring has not been good today. She is very pale and has a bluish-grey look to her. At times her lips blanch to the same color or an even bluer color than her skin. She goes through stages of breathing easily to struggling where she is only breathing about 4 times a minute. We have been told these are signs that she is getting closer to being at peace. Although noone can tell us exactly how much long we get to have her here, they have said it could be 30 minutes to a couple of days. Either way it is not long.

This process has been extremely difficult. The only thing that keeps me sane is the knowledge that she will be healed and at peace in Heaven with God and that I will see her again. The timeswhen I let doubt enter my mind are the times I break down. It is hard not to question what we cannot see, but that is what faith is. And I remind myself that God is true to His word and I must believe in it. Then I wipe away the tears, give Kyara hugs and kisses, tell her how much I love her, and smile.

Scary Episode

Last night was calmer than the night before. I got a couple of "naps" inbetween nurses coming in to check on Kyara or to give medications. I slept with her in the air bed which changes pressure in its air chambers every couple of minutes to decrease chances of bed sores. This is good for her, not so comfortable to sleep on for me. Everytime I would get a little comfortable, the pressure would shift. That's ok though, I was more than happy to have the discomfort if it meant I got to cuddle with Kyara. She slept well, so that was good. This morning the nurse came in to take a temperature (they were unable to get a reading yesterday, she kept reading "Low"). This morning her temperature was 93.9. Ok, normal is 98.6. And it is amazing that she is warmer today than yesterday. We are attributing this to her neurologic instability and signs of her body not able to work right anymore.

Ms. Michelle from Willis Road came to visit this morning and while she was here we got Kyara up and sit in Ms. Michelle's lap. Kyara started to sound gurgly (?) so I suggested I take her back to sit her up. As soon as I got her up, she started vomiting and had trying to cough/gasp for air. My dad was here to, so after a minute when she still had not cleared it all and was starting to lose her color, I told him to get the nurse. It was very scary to watch her turn grayish-blue in front of my eyes and know that this could be IT. I held on to her and told her how much I loved her, over and over again. Beth, Kyara's home nurse was here and immediately came in and told me to move over to the bed where they could get some oxygen on her and suction. by the time we got over there, Kyara's color started to return and she finally made some good coughing sound. They still suctioned out ALOT of thick, thick mucus out. The thought is that she had a mucus plug that she was unable to breath around and that is why she turned blue. It was scary. I know that she is going to leave us one day soon, but I was not quite ready for today to be the day. I don't know if you ever get ready for that day. No matter how much we prepare ourselves, when we are facing it, I was scared.

Gunars, Skylar, and Kassey are going to come up this afternoon. The plan is for them to spend the night tonight. I can't wait to hold them! Thank you for the prayers and well wishes! They mean the world to us!

Hospice Atlanta

This is a hard post to write...

Over the past month Kyara has been struggling more and more. She had the upper respiratory infection and since that time, other body systems have been shutting down. Her poor body has been through the wringer. She has been the strongest, most awe-inspiring person I have ever seen. It is amazing how much she (God working through her) has changed me in the past year and a half. After talking with numerous doctors, we knew we had limited time left together. After a lot of talking, praying, crying, and more praying, we decided to use Hospice Atlanta to help us give Kyara the gift of peace, comfort, and the ultimate healing. We kept Kyara at home for as long as we could, and decided to bring her to the Hospice Atlanta Center on Tuesday. I am staying up here with her and Gunars is coming and going while staying with Skylar and Kassey at home.

Prayers for Kyara's comfort are welcome and appreciated.

Nurses Came Today

Kyara's nurses came by today to check on her. She is still having all of the same symptoms and now she has crackles (sounds in her chest from junk) and diminished breath sounds on both lungs.

Skylar is having a harder time coping with all that is happening with Kyara. She is a tough cookie, but she is having to see and go through more than any 7 year old should.

Things are rough, but I trust in God's plans. He only wants the best for us, and we only want the best for our girls.

The Latest

Kyara is still not doing well. She now also has an urinary tract infection on top of everything else. I changed her diaper the other morning and the smell was so strong it almost knocked me over. She is having a slimy, yucky discharge that we are told is characteristic of a UTI. Normally it is seen in the catheter tubes if a person is catherized or one might notice a "cloudy" urine when they pee in a toilet. Kyara is still not peeing much, so we have to wonder about kidneys.

We are doing our best to keep things as normal as possible for Skylar and Kassey. Skylar had her first soccer game this weekend and I "coached." Really all I did was stand on the sideline and sub players in and out of the game. But it was fun! Skylar played great! We then took the girls to the local pool (yes, it is indoor and heated!) Kassey is LOVING the water. She is thrilled to show me how she can dunk her head under the water and let go of the side. She loves jumping off the side, whether or not anyone is looking. That is a little scary! She doesn't know how to swim, yet, so we have to watch her closely. She is a little daredevil! Skylar is a fish, so she loves going to the pool. Kyara and I hung out and watched today.

Thank you all for keeping up with our family.

Still Vomiting

No school this week for Kyara. She is still vomiting and she is still weak. Her heart rate is much higher than normal and she has crackles (yucky sounds) in her lungs. She is not peeing as much and her poops are full of mucus.

Still Sick

Skylar is better, she seemed to have the 8 hour vomiting bug. Kassey is better, but still has a cough and a little runny nose. Of course, Kyara is the one we are really worried about. Not that the other girls are not important, but for them a virus is just that...a virus. It comes, it will go, and they will be fine. Annoying while it is here, but really not a big deal.

Kyara is still sick. She is sleeping about 20-22 hours a day. She has a terrible cough and congestion. She is coughing so hard that it makes her vomit. I was up the other night suctioning her a ton. Even with the suction machine, I still had to change her sheets and her clothes 3-4 times during the night. I suctioned 100-200 ml each time she would vomit. Considering she doesn't get food in her stomach (because she is J-tube fed into her intestines), this is alot of fluid. Kyara's nurse came to see her the on Tuesday and said her lung sounds were diminshed on the left side and that she sounds "junky". Pneumonia is a concern. She is not peeing as much and she appears more swollen or "puffy" to me than before.

It is excruciating to watch her gasp for air when she is coughing and gagging. She is struggling.

The Sick House

Kassey's 2nd Birthday Party Pictures!

Starting last week, Kyara has had an upper respiratory infection. I noticed her coughing more at the beginning of the week and by Thursday, the school was calling to say that she had slept through the entire morning (not at ALL like her!) and they were concerned. So I went to the school to pick her up. I talked to her home nurse and she came over to see Kyara that afternoon. She said it was an upper respiratory infection and gave us some instructions. Since it seems to be viral, antibiotics are not going to work. Kyara has not improved since then. In fact, I think she looks worse. She is pale, still sleeping all day and night, when she is not coughing so hard she is throwing up. I am changing her shirts many times a day because of how much she is throwing up. My concern is that she is not able to get it all out and the vomit goes back down into her

lungs. She has these times when she is gagging so hard to the "stuff" that she will turn blue and really struggle to get it up. Kyara is definitely sick. Yuck! Yikes!

Kassey has also been sick. Hers seems to come and go, though. She is the typical child; when she feels sick, you can tell. I thought she was over it, then yesterday, before church she threw up at Waffle House. All over her velvet dress. Well, that was the last of the puking for her, at least.

Then last night Skylar said she didn't want to eat dinner. What?! By the end of the night, she was throwing up, too. We ended up blowing up the air mattress and putting it in the living room for her to sleep on. (She has a loft bed, and I didn't think she would make it out of bed in time, or safely!) So I "slept" in the living room with her last night. This morning she is finally feeling better. The vomiting stopped around 3:00 in the morning.

I am spending the day today washing EVERYTHING that can go the in washing machine and Lysoling everything else!

Happy 2nd Birthday, Kassey!!

Yesterday was Kassey's 2nd birthday. We celebrated by going to the dentist (Ms. Mandy was great!), playing at Bunny and Pop's house, eating dinner at church, and cupcakes and a few presents at home. Saturday we will have a birthday party with our whole family and I will be sure to post some pictures then.

Pictures!!

I know it has been a while since I have posted some pictures, so here are some:

Santa came to visit Kyara's class before Christmas. He was sweet! Kyara is checking him out!

Kyara's Yellow Princess Chair. Thank you, SANTA!!

Skylar and Kassey loving on Kyara.

Last day at Corral. Kyara had a good time. Thank you!


Not loving the Chirstmas lights.

Skylar and Kassey help us rake the leaves. We had to take time-out to play in the pile!

Kyara in her Jenn-swing. This swing has been good for her!

Georgia Blizzard of 2010!!

Kassey was actually able to go sledding in the 1/4 inch of sleet/snow we got last week! She is sledding with one of Kyara's occupational therapist's sons. We had a play day at their house. Tons of FUN!!
Yes, it was a snow day, school was cancelled, and the stores were sold out of bread and water!

Our backyard is a winter wonderland! Ok, Michigan folk, I know you must be laughing at us, but this was a MAJOR happening. School was still delayed 4 days later!

2010 New Year's Feast! Skylar is playing with her food!

Wait, Kassey! We have to cook them first!

I seem to be getting slower and slower at adding updates. I would like to say I will get better, but I am not sure that I will.

The snow storm week and half ago was a blast. Skylar and Kyara had Friday off from school and school on Monday was delayed 2 hours to make sure the buses could drive safely on the streets. I saw so many cars in ditches, it made me a little nervous to drive. Crazy southern drivers, don't know what they are doing! :) After being in Michigan last winter, this snow seemed like a joke, but I must admit, I slid some on the ice, too!

Things here have been crazy as usual:

Skylar has been doing basketball and karate. She got a pogo stick for Christmas and is trying to beat her record of 150. She has me beat!

Kassey is potty training. We have peeing in the potty under control. Pooping is another issue. She waits till naptime or bedtime when I put a diaper on her and poops then. I guess that will be the next hurdle. She is quite funny, though. She likes to cheer. "Yay! Kassey! Peepee in the potty!" "Yay, Mommy!! Peepee in the potty!" I get the cheers, too! Hooray for us!

Gunars and I are working in/on the house. We had a pipe burst last weekend so we had to get my dad to come help us fix. We also are having to replace our hotwater heater. Gunars has been doing research to decide whether to go with another tank or do the tankless water heater. Finally, we had to replace our roof. We had hail damage from last spring, so we finally got it replaced. After spending months on roof colors and trying to decided on the perfect one, we got one that looks...not good with our house. We are now painting our shutters to try to get it to look decent.

Kyara. I know she is the one you come here to check up on. She is the star of this blog. After talking with doctors, therapist, and each other, Gunars and I decided that Kyara was MISERABLE. She was crying 80-90% of her waking time if she was not sitting in our laps. This was emotionally draining for all of us. It is excruciating to hear your daughter scream/yell/cry like she was and feel completely helpless. After discussing her irritability with her doctors, we decided to use medication to help relieve her discomfort. She is now getting a comfort medication (Chloral Hydrate) 4 times a day which has been a huge relief to irritability. This has truly been life-altering for us. I went out shopping with her today and she did not scream the whole time. I am able to fix dinner, play with Kassey and Skylar, take Kassey to the potty, etc without having to hear her scream and feel totally guilty for having left her. Although the medication has a sedative effect at the beginning, I think she is much calmer and able to take in her environment a little better than before. We are pleased with the results of using the medications.