Waiting for the Disaster Show at Univeral Studios. Kassey cracks me up!
In front of the future Harry Potter World at Univeral Studios-Islands of Adventure
Universal Studios - Island of Adventure
Happy Easter! Skylar decorated her cookie with our Gainesville Friends!
Kassey couldn't wait to take a bite!Disney, SeaWorld, Universal Studios, and Gainesville (Home of the GATORS! GO UF!), was fun! We have been home for almost 2 weeks now and we are getting back into our routine. Things are getting back to "normal", but things are not "normal" anymore. They haven't been "normal" in a long time. At some point, we have to sit down and redefine what "normal" is for our family. Kyara is no longer with us, and that is NOT normal. Skylar and Kassey have lost their sister and that is NOT normal. Gunars and I have outlived one of our children by MANY YEARS (God willing) and that is NOT normal. And yet, life still goes on. we still have soccer, we still go swimming, we still laugh and play in the back yard. We still do "normal" things. For me, as I go through these activities, I have an emptyness that weighs on my heart and chest. I smile and play with the girls, but the weight does not go away. I think that for a long time I was in "the battle." No time to reflect, I just wanted to do what was best for Kyara, the girls, and Gunars. No time to really absorb the loss of our old Kyara, I was too busy trying to take care of the new Kyara. And now that our prayers for healing have been answered (although I wish it had been here on earth), I have found time to think through the past 18 months. New emotions arise stronger... Anger is among the strongest right now. And I find I don't always direct my anger in the right ways, I have become quite moody and hard to deal with. Poor Skylar seems to get most of it. Don't take this wrong, I am in NO WAY abusive. It is more silly things. For example, we have always let the girls pick out their own clothes. Lately, I have decided that Skylar needs to match her clothes better. I would love for her to wear the clothes a 5 year old would wear. She is NOT liking my ideas and we seem to fight over clothing alot. Silly... why am I doing this? Not really sure. Maybe I want her to look like a 5 year old to remind me of a healthy, living Kyara. Maybe its because I don't want her to look like we have forgotten about her (because we haven't!). I don't know.
Here is what I do know. Now that things are settling down, I am having a harder time. Now that I am having a harder time, I need to rely on God's strength to help me through. He is there for us. He has never left us. And I believe He has healed Kyara in the way only He could.
6 comments:
Time, Genie, will help. We will always miss and love Kyara. We will remember her and laugh and cry, but we will get through this. We will think of Kyara playing with the angels and we will be happy for her though our hearts break. We will find a way to let her go.
I pray that you will be able to remember and honor kyara's memory without over analyzing the events that took her away from you. You are right-God is in control and he loves all of us. He has given her a perfect healing. She will be forever twining through your lives. When we go through loss we get angry as if to say why give me something so precious just to take it away but remember God knows more than we do. Rely on him one step at a time yell scream and cry when you need to. He understands god bless you always
Thank you for continuing to write on this blog, it helps you and all of us to heal. Kyara can never be forgotten, she is in every breath you take. Time will eventually heal the pain but I would imagine the scar inside your heart will remain. Jesus had scars too and He died so that our sins could be covered. Then, He rose again to conquer death so that we can live forever. We see so little of the glory that awaits His children. Kyara is in that glorious place and in that you can find comfort. The photos are awesome and your family may not ever be as it was, but God is still in it and His plans are far greater than ours. Live life and continue to look and quiet yourself so that He can speak to you. It may be in a dream or through a friend that loves the Lord. We all love your family and even though Kyara isn't here on earth any longer, we know that we will see her in eternity. Time here on earth is like a vapor that dissipates quickly. As humans this is all we see now, the glory that awaits will make this seem like a grain of sand on a vast endless beach. (Even though I love the beach.) My prayers and thoughts of you and the family never end, I do not say it lightly, and Kyara's face greets me on the refrigerator every morning with a smile. Even though her smile is grand, I am sure if she could feel pain, (which she can't), her cheeks would hurt because she can't stop smiling now!
Love you all and miss you too!
Thinking of you often. Please know how much support you have all over...even from people you don't know. I wanted to let you know that antidepressants really helped a firend in a similar situation. xoxo
Genie, reading your comments I thought about how I felt as a very young child, when my dad passed away. I went through the motions of playing with my sisters, going to school, having dinner with my family, but for a long time it was like "make believe". There was no real joy behind anything. Slowly, slowly, I began to heal and was able to enjoy life again. Although you will always grieve for Kyara, you WILL be able to enjoy life too...not just for yourself, but for Gunars and the girls. The pain will ease and the happy times will return...for REAL. We will not forget to keep all of you in our prayers. Linda, Zachy's Grandma
You may not remember me but I was the anesthesiologist for Kyara during her arrest. I am so sad to hear of her passing and cannot imagine what you and your family have gone through. As always you are in prayers.
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