Home and Back to Routine

Waiting for the Disaster Show at Univeral Studios. Kassey cracks me up!

In front of the future Harry Potter World at Univeral Studios-Islands of Adventure

Universal Studios - Island of Adventure

Happy Easter! Skylar decorated her cookie with our Gainesville Friends!

Kassey couldn't wait to take a bite!

Disney, SeaWorld, Universal Studios, and Gainesville (Home of the GATORS! GO UF!), was fun! We have been home for almost 2 weeks now and we are getting back into our routine. Things are getting back to "normal", but things are not "normal" anymore. They haven't been "normal" in a long time. At some point, we have to sit down and redefine what "normal" is for our family. Kyara is no longer with us, and that is NOT normal. Skylar and Kassey have lost their sister and that is NOT normal. Gunars and I have outlived one of our children by MANY YEARS (God willing) and that is NOT normal. And yet, life still goes on. we still have soccer, we still go swimming, we still laugh and play in the back yard. We still do "normal" things. For me, as I go through these activities, I have an emptyness that weighs on my heart and chest. I smile and play with the girls, but the weight does not go away. I think that for a long time I was in "the battle." No time to reflect, I just wanted to do what was best for Kyara, the girls, and Gunars. No time to really absorb the loss of our old Kyara, I was too busy trying to take care of the new Kyara. And now that our prayers for healing have been answered (although I wish it had been here on earth), I have found time to think through the past 18 months. New emotions arise stronger... Anger is among the strongest right now. And I find I don't always direct my anger in the right ways, I have become quite moody and hard to deal with. Poor Skylar seems to get most of it. Don't take this wrong, I am in NO WAY abusive. It is more silly things. For example, we have always let the girls pick out their own clothes. Lately, I have decided that Skylar needs to match her clothes better. I would love for her to wear the clothes a 5 year old would wear. She is NOT liking my ideas and we seem to fight over clothing alot. Silly... why am I doing this? Not really sure. Maybe I want her to look like a 5 year old to remind me of a healthy, living Kyara. Maybe its because I don't want her to look like we have forgotten about her (because we haven't!). I don't know.


Here is what I do know. Now that things are settling down, I am having a harder time. Now that I am having a harder time, I need to rely on God's strength to help me through. He is there for us. He has never left us. And I believe He has healed Kyara in the way only He could.

Three weeks

It has been three weeks since Kyara grew her angel wings. Sometimes I feel ok with knowing she is healed. I feel happy for her to be playing in heaven. Other times... I am mad. Not at God, as some have suggested, but at Kyara's situation. I am mad at myself for not stopping her from drinking the chemical when she was little. For not knowing that she would have some many problems from the surgery. For not knowing she would have the cardiac arrest. For not being able to make her better. I know these are not reasonable things, but it doesn't stop them from ruNning through my head. They help cause the knot that is constantly in my stomach, the feeling that my heart is no longer whole. This is not the path I would have chosen for Kyara... But then again, I am not God. He is faithful, and He knows the plans He has for each of us. Plans to better us, not to harm us.

So for the past week we have taken a triP with Skylar and Kassey. We went to Gainesville and stayed with friends, kayaked Rainbow River (and saw a Gator!), went to a butterfly garden and a Gator Lacross game. That was Saturday. Then we headed to Orlando to Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure,Disney Magic Kingdom, Epcot, and Hollywood Studios, and Seaworld. IT has been a busy week! We are now headed back to Gainesville to see the Orange and Blue game tomorrow. I will write more later, but since I am writing this on my blackberry (crackberry?), my thumbs seem to be cramping!