Gunars and I decided to paint the interior of our house. This past spring, we had a new roof put on, new gutters, and painted the shutters. We now are getting to the inside. When I first thought about this, I felt like it would be a good idea. We are painting all of the rooms, Kyara's room, too. I thought this might me healing. A fresh start. I don't want to walk by her room and think of her lying in her hospital bed. I want a new beginning to a new life we are going to have to lead. Nothing a little paint can't fix, right? Wrong. You can't paint over a broken heart and expect it to mend. Sometimes I think I am delusional. If you recall, a year ago, I believed that if we got the heck out of Michigan and came to Atlanta, Kyara would be healed. I have this idea that if I don't let my mind wander towards the grief I feel, then it will all go away. And if I paint my house, life will begin again. It doesn't work that way.
I find that I am struggling more now than I was a month or 2 ago. I feel like I have all these walls up so that I won't feel sad. Unfortunately, it goes the other way, too. I don't feel happy either. I have a hard time enjoying life, my girls, Gunars, everything. I went to dinner and movie with ladies from the church last night and although it was nice to get out, I couldn't allow myself to enjoy it. I couldn't bring down the walls and really join conversations or start conversations. This was never my strong suit, I guess I'm a bit shy, but I long for friends and that ability to just let loose.
Kassey reminds me so much of Kyara that it is painful. At times, I feel like I resent her for not being Kyara. What a terrible thing! I love Kassey very much and I hate feeling that way, but it is the truth. And, since this is my blog, I am going to write how I am feeling. Kassey is very strong-willed, she has mannerism that match Kyara to a "T". The way she holds her arms back when she runs, the way she wiped her face with her hand the other day, her love for books, and asking me over and over "why?" to EVERYTHING remind me of Kyara. My mom has said to me that Kassey has been such a blessing. To have her here while we have gone through this nightmare, to be able to laugh at/with her, and to be able to enjoy her being...well, two. Yes, but at the same time, it is torture. I know that is not a popular thing to say. I don't want the wrong idea to get out... I wouldn't want it any other way.... well, that's not true, I would just want my healthy Kyara here, too. But I love and adore Kassey, through the pain.
Skylar finishes school today. No longer a 2nd grader, she is moving up to 3rd grade! She is officially halfway through elementary school! Wow! She had soccer camp this past week and although she said she enjoyed each day, she did not like it being EVERYDAY! Well, that is fine. I am not going to push her into doing soccer just because I want her too. If she wants to do a different sport or activity, that would work. But she must DO something! I don't want her sitting around watching TV all day.
This summer we have decided to impose a no electronics rule. (Thank you, Lopers! I am sure Skylar would like to thank you, too :) ) From after breakfast until dinner, no electronics will be on at our house. This means no tv, computer, wii, didj, etc. Now, I will have to make an exception during the World Cup, because Mommy wants to watch it! But otherwise, unless it is raining, we are going to be active, reading, and sightseeing. This is my goal... we will see how it works.
This weekend is our Leonard Family reunion in Eastman, Georgia. This is my dad's side of the family and I am looking forward to seeing everyone. I don't get to see my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins very often anymore so I am excited to spend the day with them.
This weekend is also Memorial Day weekend. I'd like to thank all of our verterans and servicemen/women who protect our nation. They live and die for our freedom. I would also like to thank their families for the sacrifices they make while their mothers, fathers, sons, daughters are deployed.
I thank God for the freedom we have in our nation. I thank Him for the bravery of the men and women who make that possible. I pray for peace in my house and in my heart. I lift up my pain to God and I am allowing Him to lead us in the right (His) direction.
Kyara Dzenis
Friday, May 28, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Skylar's 8th Birthday!
I have some pictures, but I have NO IDEA how to download them from my mobile phone to this blog. I will work on it and post some.
We went to the driving range today with Bunny and Pop for Skylar's birthday today. I think everyone enjoyed it. Kassey even tried to hit a few. Skylar is doing well. Sometimes she hits the "big ball" (earth) instead of the little ball, but hey... not bad for just beginning! I am just amazed that she is already 8. I know, everyone always says, "Boy, it goes so fast!" I was warned... take lots of pictures because before you know it she will be grown. Well, we are moving at warp speed! It seems like just yesterday Gunars and I were in line at the movies to see I Am Sam when I decided I had better go to the restroom before we got seats. Well, we never got to the seats because my water broke and there was meconium (when the baby poops, which could be a sign of distress) in it. So we went directly to the hospital, right? NO, we headed straight to my parents' house so I could change underwear! Of course, clean undies only lasted about 2 minutes... I know too much information. Skylar will be horrified when she reads this :)
Anyway, 9 hours and one epidural later, Skylar Rose Dzenis was born at 4:50am and Gunars and I were thrilled and scared to death at the same time. I think the scariest moment was when they put us in the car to go home and we drove off! WE were now responsible for this precious, perfect, completely dependent baby; and Gunars had never even changed a diaper before! What were they thinking, letting us leave like that??? Turns out, Skylar has been a wonderful daughter and Gunars is a darn good daddy, too.
I don't know why I decided to bore you with that story, but, there it is. Each of my girls has a completely different birth story. It seems to me that their births has mirrored their personalities in ways. Skylar was easy, pretty calm, no biggie. Ok, the water breaking at the theater part was a little exciting, but the actual birth, was very low key. My midwife ate a popscicle during it (luckily she finished in time to wash her hands and catch!) I had the epidural and didn't feel a thing! Very easy-going. That is Skylar. Kyara was 8 days late, then born in 45 minutes on the triage table. That was Kyara. She was head strong and wanted to do things her way. I smile as I write that. Strong-willed. That is what a nurse told me once. Kassey's birth was a combination of the 2 previous. She was 5 days late and I started feeling contractions at the movies. I was sure she would go fast, too, since Kyara had been so quick. Gunars and I headed to the hospital and after 2 hours of monitoring and laps around the hospital and alot of stairs (the next day my legs were so sore from skipping up stairs trying to get the labor to COME ON!), we were sent home. 3 hours and no sleep later, I woke Gunars up and told him I wanted to go back to the hospital. Kassey finally arrived 4 hours later.
There I go again with the boring birth stories. Sorry.
Back to Skylar. She has been amazing through the past 8 years. Skylar has been through alot. She has seen alot. She was with us when Kyara drank the chemical that injured her esophagus. She saw Kyara's tongue turn black and swell out of her mouth. She watched her sister go through hospitalization after hospitalization. She has seen her intubated more times than I want to count. She has learned how to use a g-tube and learned that it is not a big deal. She has seen her strong-willed, energetic little sister fight to lead a normal life. She is learning to deal with the death of her sister and best friend. And Skylar has done these things with amazing grace. She is teaching Kassey through her example everyday how to be a better person.
Yesterday we made cookies for an older couple who live in our neighborhood. Skylar made a get well card, because the gentleman has ALS. This is a disease that has taken over his body, mind, emotions... life. He is now wheelchair bound and dependent on his wife and friends for everything. As we went in to see him, he began to cry. His wife explained that he isn't able to control his feelings because of the disease, but she said it softly and really... to me. At seeing this gentleman, who I have seen outside in his yard for the past 10 years in this state, I was brought to tears of my own. So, my neighbor and I cried. After regaining our composure, we had a nice visit for a bit and then we said our goodbyes. Skylar and Kassey were very good while we were there and joined in the conversation quite a bit... ok, Kassey played with the dog in the window, but she was entertaining. So today I asked Skylar what she thought about our visit. She was concerned as to why I was crying. I explained that the gentleman reminded me of Kyara. He was once a vibrant, active man and now his body is shutting down, much like Kyara's body shut down. She accepted this. Then she asked about why the gentleman was crying. I asked her if she remembers how Kyara used to cry alot after her anoxic brain injury. And how she couldn't help it. Well, it is alot like that. I think he is unable to control his crying because of the disease he has. This made perfect sense to Skylar and she said she would like to visit them again. I am so glad. She has also told me she wants to make cookies for some other people we know who are going through some harder times. And she is asking when we are going to do dinner for the Ronald McDonald House in Atlanta. But, she told me tonight, "I know you are going to cry when we go." Yes, Skylar, you are probably right. Sometimes, a cry is a good cry, though.
I don't know how I have gotten off on so many different tangents tonight. I did want to mention, Skylar had her first spend the night party this past weekend, and Gunars and I survived! We went to the movies to see "The Spy Next Door" and I cried (do you see a theme? I seem to cry easily!) "The Spy Next Door" is a Jackie Chan movie for kids. It is ridiculous for me to cry in this movie. I am such a sap! We took Skylar to the Fabulous Fox Theater in Atlanta to see Mary Poppins (which is her favorite movie). This weekend we are having family over to celebrate Skylar's birthday. So, Skylar has not had just a birthday, but a birthweek. Well, good for her. She is a huge blessing and I thank God for allowing her to be in my life!
HAPPY 8TH BIRTHDAY, SKYLAR!!!!
We went to the driving range today with Bunny and Pop for Skylar's birthday today. I think everyone enjoyed it. Kassey even tried to hit a few. Skylar is doing well. Sometimes she hits the "big ball" (earth) instead of the little ball, but hey... not bad for just beginning! I am just amazed that she is already 8. I know, everyone always says, "Boy, it goes so fast!" I was warned... take lots of pictures because before you know it she will be grown. Well, we are moving at warp speed! It seems like just yesterday Gunars and I were in line at the movies to see I Am Sam when I decided I had better go to the restroom before we got seats. Well, we never got to the seats because my water broke and there was meconium (when the baby poops, which could be a sign of distress) in it. So we went directly to the hospital, right? NO, we headed straight to my parents' house so I could change underwear! Of course, clean undies only lasted about 2 minutes... I know too much information. Skylar will be horrified when she reads this :)
Anyway, 9 hours and one epidural later, Skylar Rose Dzenis was born at 4:50am and Gunars and I were thrilled and scared to death at the same time. I think the scariest moment was when they put us in the car to go home and we drove off! WE were now responsible for this precious, perfect, completely dependent baby; and Gunars had never even changed a diaper before! What were they thinking, letting us leave like that??? Turns out, Skylar has been a wonderful daughter and Gunars is a darn good daddy, too.
I don't know why I decided to bore you with that story, but, there it is. Each of my girls has a completely different birth story. It seems to me that their births has mirrored their personalities in ways. Skylar was easy, pretty calm, no biggie. Ok, the water breaking at the theater part was a little exciting, but the actual birth, was very low key. My midwife ate a popscicle during it (luckily she finished in time to wash her hands and catch!) I had the epidural and didn't feel a thing! Very easy-going. That is Skylar. Kyara was 8 days late, then born in 45 minutes on the triage table. That was Kyara. She was head strong and wanted to do things her way. I smile as I write that. Strong-willed. That is what a nurse told me once. Kassey's birth was a combination of the 2 previous. She was 5 days late and I started feeling contractions at the movies. I was sure she would go fast, too, since Kyara had been so quick. Gunars and I headed to the hospital and after 2 hours of monitoring and laps around the hospital and alot of stairs (the next day my legs were so sore from skipping up stairs trying to get the labor to COME ON!), we were sent home. 3 hours and no sleep later, I woke Gunars up and told him I wanted to go back to the hospital. Kassey finally arrived 4 hours later.
There I go again with the boring birth stories. Sorry.
Back to Skylar. She has been amazing through the past 8 years. Skylar has been through alot. She has seen alot. She was with us when Kyara drank the chemical that injured her esophagus. She saw Kyara's tongue turn black and swell out of her mouth. She watched her sister go through hospitalization after hospitalization. She has seen her intubated more times than I want to count. She has learned how to use a g-tube and learned that it is not a big deal. She has seen her strong-willed, energetic little sister fight to lead a normal life. She is learning to deal with the death of her sister and best friend. And Skylar has done these things with amazing grace. She is teaching Kassey through her example everyday how to be a better person.
Yesterday we made cookies for an older couple who live in our neighborhood. Skylar made a get well card, because the gentleman has ALS. This is a disease that has taken over his body, mind, emotions... life. He is now wheelchair bound and dependent on his wife and friends for everything. As we went in to see him, he began to cry. His wife explained that he isn't able to control his feelings because of the disease, but she said it softly and really... to me. At seeing this gentleman, who I have seen outside in his yard for the past 10 years in this state, I was brought to tears of my own. So, my neighbor and I cried. After regaining our composure, we had a nice visit for a bit and then we said our goodbyes. Skylar and Kassey were very good while we were there and joined in the conversation quite a bit... ok, Kassey played with the dog in the window, but she was entertaining. So today I asked Skylar what she thought about our visit. She was concerned as to why I was crying. I explained that the gentleman reminded me of Kyara. He was once a vibrant, active man and now his body is shutting down, much like Kyara's body shut down. She accepted this. Then she asked about why the gentleman was crying. I asked her if she remembers how Kyara used to cry alot after her anoxic brain injury. And how she couldn't help it. Well, it is alot like that. I think he is unable to control his crying because of the disease he has. This made perfect sense to Skylar and she said she would like to visit them again. I am so glad. She has also told me she wants to make cookies for some other people we know who are going through some harder times. And she is asking when we are going to do dinner for the Ronald McDonald House in Atlanta. But, she told me tonight, "I know you are going to cry when we go." Yes, Skylar, you are probably right. Sometimes, a cry is a good cry, though.
I don't know how I have gotten off on so many different tangents tonight. I did want to mention, Skylar had her first spend the night party this past weekend, and Gunars and I survived! We went to the movies to see "The Spy Next Door" and I cried (do you see a theme? I seem to cry easily!) "The Spy Next Door" is a Jackie Chan movie for kids. It is ridiculous for me to cry in this movie. I am such a sap! We took Skylar to the Fabulous Fox Theater in Atlanta to see Mary Poppins (which is her favorite movie). This weekend we are having family over to celebrate Skylar's birthday. So, Skylar has not had just a birthday, but a birthweek. Well, good for her. She is a huge blessing and I thank God for allowing her to be in my life!
HAPPY 8TH BIRTHDAY, SKYLAR!!!!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
How Many Children Do You Have?
Recently I have been getting out a little more and meeting new people. A questions that always seems to come up (which is a normal "get to know you" question) is "Do you have any children?" My answer of course is "Yes." Follow up is almost automatic. "How many?" This is a very difficult question for me to answer and one that brings tears to my eyes everytime. I know these new people who have never met me probably think..."What is with this weirdo?" while I hesitate to answer. How many children do I have? Well... do you want a simple number as of the present? That would be the easiest way to answer. "I have two girls... Skylar, who is 7 and Kassey, who is 2." But, really I have 3 beautiful girls... one just happens to be an angel now. Am I not suppose to mention her? What a conversation ender it is to mention your daughter passed away almost 2 months ago. Talk about akward silence following that piece of information! I don't want Kyara's memory to be forgotten. I want people to talk to me about her. Yes, I will probably cry. Yes, it will be difficult. But it is also such a blessing to have people ask about her. What she was like. What she liked to do. How she blessed my life for 5 and 1/2 years. How she brought me back to God. She was/is amazing. Those who knew her before the cardiac arrest, I am sure have fond memories of her. Mention them to me! Please don't think she should not be mentioned so that I can be protected from the pain. She was one of my babies and knowing how she touched others' lives brings me joy.
So, back to what I first started this blog with... What to say when someone asks me how many children I have. I am not sure how to answer. She is still my daughter. She is just with her Almighty Father, now. I think it will depend on who is asking as to how I will answer. The cashier at the grocery store will probably get the "2" answer. Someone I will be spending more time with, and creating a lasting relationship with, may get a "2 girls and a beautiful angel" answer. I think it also depends on my emotional state at the time. If I know I am already about to start wailing just thinking about her, I may skip any conversation and go find some tissues!!!
Skylar is turning 8 years old next week. I can't believe it! We are having a couple of girls spend the night on Friday and then a few more over on Saturday for movie and pizza. Skylar's first spend-the-night party. YIKES!! I am not sure I am ready for this! Skylar is also finishing her soccer season on Sunday. Alot going on this weekend! School is almost out, and I am not sure where the time has gone. It seems like school just started.
Kassey is as crazy as ever. She is a climbing maniac! She loves to climb on everything. Jump on trampolines, run in the driveway, go on the zip-line. She is all over it all! She thinks she is as big as Skylar.
Gunars is playing basketball and soccer during the week which has given him a good outlet to burn off some emotions and stress. We are also doing P90X. For those of you who know what that is, pray for us!! For those of you who don't know... pray for us! It is an extreme workout for 90 days. I am hoping it will get me in shape to run the Peachtree Road Race on July 4th, but considering I ran 2 miles the other day and had to stop 3-4 times, I have a LONG way to go! As I said...pray for us!
I would also like to thank everyone for the delicious meals that were given to us after Kyara passed away. It was so nice to not have to think about cooking. Sometimes I had a hard time thinking about showering, but I wouldn't dare ask anyone to come and scrub my back! Thank you so much for helping us in so many tremendous ways. Thank you to all who have donated to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta in Kyara's memory. We know the children at Scottish Rite benefit from the donations.
So, back to what I first started this blog with... What to say when someone asks me how many children I have. I am not sure how to answer. She is still my daughter. She is just with her Almighty Father, now. I think it will depend on who is asking as to how I will answer. The cashier at the grocery store will probably get the "2" answer. Someone I will be spending more time with, and creating a lasting relationship with, may get a "2 girls and a beautiful angel" answer. I think it also depends on my emotional state at the time. If I know I am already about to start wailing just thinking about her, I may skip any conversation and go find some tissues!!!
Skylar is turning 8 years old next week. I can't believe it! We are having a couple of girls spend the night on Friday and then a few more over on Saturday for movie and pizza. Skylar's first spend-the-night party. YIKES!! I am not sure I am ready for this! Skylar is also finishing her soccer season on Sunday. Alot going on this weekend! School is almost out, and I am not sure where the time has gone. It seems like school just started.
Kassey is as crazy as ever. She is a climbing maniac! She loves to climb on everything. Jump on trampolines, run in the driveway, go on the zip-line. She is all over it all! She thinks she is as big as Skylar.
Gunars is playing basketball and soccer during the week which has given him a good outlet to burn off some emotions and stress. We are also doing P90X. For those of you who know what that is, pray for us!! For those of you who don't know... pray for us! It is an extreme workout for 90 days. I am hoping it will get me in shape to run the Peachtree Road Race on July 4th, but considering I ran 2 miles the other day and had to stop 3-4 times, I have a LONG way to go! As I said...pray for us!
I would also like to thank everyone for the delicious meals that were given to us after Kyara passed away. It was so nice to not have to think about cooking. Sometimes I had a hard time thinking about showering, but I wouldn't dare ask anyone to come and scrub my back! Thank you so much for helping us in so many tremendous ways. Thank you to all who have donated to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta in Kyara's memory. We know the children at Scottish Rite benefit from the donations.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Change in Music
Short post, because I am suppose to be cleaning the house. Shhh! Don't tell!
I changed the music to reflect some music that has really touched me. I think it represents how I am feeling and what I believe. I hope you enjoy the change... Check out the songs!
I changed the music to reflect some music that has really touched me. I think it represents how I am feeling and what I believe. I hope you enjoy the change... Check out the songs!
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