Kyara Dzenis

Kyara Dzenis

Friday, January 21, 2011

2 Years Later...

It has been 2 years since Kyara's cardiac arrest.  2 years and there are parts that I remember like it was yesterday.  2 years and there are parts that I strain to remember and can't quite recreate.  On January 21, 2009, I heard my baby's voice for the last time, I felt her touch ME for the last time.  I wish I could recreate those moments.  The parts that I remember the best are the traumatic parts.  Walking around the corner and seeing one of Kyara's nurses with tears streaming down her face.  Not being told what was happening, but rather led to a "holding room" and left there with my fears racing while I waited for the doctors.  These are not the memories I want to be holding on to, but they are the one that I can't seem to let go of.

So what do you do on the second anniversary of your child's cardiac arrest which would ultimately lead to her death?  Before I answer that question, let me be clear... I lost Kyara that day.  Yes, she survived the arrest, but she never looked at me again.  She never talked to me again.  She never hugged me again.  She never talked or laughed again.  She was never KYARA again.

So, back to the question at hand...  What do you do on the second anniversary?  Well.  I don't know anyone else's answer, but I struggled to get out of bed.  Then I struggled to get dressed.  I took Kassey to a birthday party for a 3 year old in her class and I struggled to smile.  I had lunch with Bunny and Pop to investigate a resturaunt for my little brother's rehearsal dinner and I struggled to be a part of the conversation.  Tonight we will have dinner with friends then go to the high school basketball game where Skylar will be introduced and receive a trophy for winning the 3rd grade division 3v3 basketball tournament.  So, although I am in agony today, life goes on.

I believe God understands our pain.  Yesterday I got an overwhelming feeling I should watch Louie Giglio's message "How Great is Our God," so while Kassey was sleeping, I put it on the TV (I got a Passion set for Christmas).  I grabbed a blanket and snuggled into the couch with my drink and pressed play.  To be honest, I started to dose after about 30 minutes.  Not that the message was not amazing, I was just exhausted.  But I was suddenly awaken by a realization that I was asleep.  I sat up straight and put my full attention on what Louie was saying.  He was saying that the cross is proof that "God doesn't always change the circumstances, He did not change them for Jesus on that hillside outside Jerusalem.  But the cross is also proof that God always has a purpose in the circumstances and that His purpose and His plan will prevail and will triumph through any circumstances in this world."  God knew Jesus was hurting on the cross, but He didn't change the circumstance (although He could have) because He had purpose in the circumstance.  He also has purpose in our circumstance, in Kyara's circumstance.  And His purpose will be revealed, in His time. 

The other part that struck me, and has been proved to me today is scripture.  Isaiah 40:31 "But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary.  They will walk and not faint."  No, I am not soaring high, but I did get out of bed.  I put on that smile for the birthday party.  And I will cheer like a crazy woman tonight for Skylar's trophy ceremony.  God will help me.  He will renew my strength... enough to keep me going.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Happy New Year

The holiday season is coming to a close with a bang this year. Literally. I heard fireworks as I was trying to go to sleep in the brother-in-law's basement last night.  Bang-bang-baang!  Welcome 2011!  Goodbye 2010, I can't say I will miss you...too much.  Although; 2010 has left us with many memories.  Some good, some not so good.  But as I have said before, I cherish ALL the memories.  They make me who I am today.  They remind me of who I was.  They are there to remind me of the journey we have taken.


We had a relatively quiet Christmas and New Years this year.  I was nervous before Christmas as to how it would feel.  Would I break down crying, would I be depressed and not enjoy the holiday.  What would the first Christmas without Kyara being here be like? I think the chaos that goes with having younger children at home during Christmas time, and the chaos of getting together with multiple families really helped keep my mind busy.  And when my mind is busy, I don't have time to stop and cry.  That is good and bad for me.  Good because I didn't want to be sad during Christmas.  It is the time to celebrate the birth of our Savior.  It is time to gather with family and loved ones and enjoy each other's company.  This is a joyous time, not a time to be sad or depressed.  So my mentality is to stay busy, so that I don't focus on the empty spot in my heart.  This idea is bad in someways, too, though.  I find that I didn't relax and really enjoy Christmas.  I was so focused on staying busy:  I continued to shop until the last possible moment (even though I could/should have been done a week earlier), we got our second Christmas tree (after the first dried out during our cruise and became a fire hazard), and for some reason, I got the brilliant idea that the presents would just wrap themselves this year.  When 2 nights before the Leonard Family Christmas, I realized that we had NONE of the presents wrapped, (and I am opposed to gift bags - there is something about wrapping paper, ribbons, and boxes being torn open that gives me that warm feeling inside) I knew we were in trouble.  Considering my wonderful, sweet husband doesn't wrap gifts (he does other things beautifully, but wrapping gifts is not his strong suite!), I knew I had a LOT of work on my hands.  And of course I could only work while the girls were asleep, and during the day...SHOP, which created MORE WRAPPING...  you get the picture....  it is a vicious cycle that had me up until 2-3:00 in the morning each night. 

So, what was my point?  Oh, yes, staying busy.  But then, Christmas came and went.  We had a lovely time.  The Leonard Family Christmas was as uneventful as you can get with 20 adults and 7 kids between the ages of 8 and 2.  "Wild and Wooly" is the way my mother, Bunny, describes it.  But, what a nice way to spend Christmas Eve.  We order a Subway platter, Chick-Fil-A platter, fruit, chips, and drinks, then spend the afternoon/evening in a big circle opening presents, laughing, and talking.  At 6:00 everyone piled in their cars to head to church for the candlelight service and communion celebrating Christ's birth.  How can you beat a day like that?  Then its home and bed before Santa comes!

We spent Christmas Day at home with the girls.  Just relaxing.  And, it SNOWED on Christmas Day.  We had a white Christmas.  Quite amazing.  The day after Christmas, we headed to south Georgia to visit my Grandmother and Granddaddy in Eastman.  A good amount of Leonards were there, so it was really nice to see aunts, uncles, and cousins who we don't see very often.

The week after Christmas was time to breathe.  This is the period that was hardest for me.  I think I stayed so busy during Christmas that I was able to ignore the emptyness, but once the hoopla was over and Gunars went back to work, I started to get down.  It was hard to figure out what the problem was.  I was moody and had a very short fuse.  By the time Gunars would get home from work, I was just about in tears.  Finally one night, Gunars asked me what was wrong and it wasn't until after telling him that the cloud started to lift.  So I am finding out, by voicing my sadness, I am able to release it, instead of holding it and letting it grow.  I am certainly going to try this new idea next time things start to feel like they are piling up on me. 

New Years was spent with the Dzenises.  We headed to north Atlanta and spent the night at Zigurds' (Gunars' brother) house.  We have a tradition of eating lobsters on New Years, so this year we had another feast.  Then we rang the New Year in with champagne and James Bond marathon.

And now we are on to a new year.  A new year means closing the book on 2010.  One thing I have been struggling with is forgiveness.  I think about how angry I am at the doctors that treated Kyara in Michigan.  I can't help but look back at things with ideas of what they should have done or how things should have been treated.  And I am angry that THEY didn't think of these ideas.  But since I am working on forgiveness and letting go, I forgive them.  This is what I have to remember...  Doctors are not God.   I tried putting that label on them, and it didn't fit.  More than once, I believed that the doctors will fix everything, but that is not realisitic.  Doctors are not God.  Doctors make mistakes.  God does not.  Doctors don't know everything.  God does. Doctors are not perfect.   God is.  So it is unfair for me to be angry with imperfect humans who made a mistake. God allowed this to happen, and God does not make mistakes.  All things are done to glorify God and Kyara's accident and death will be used to glorify God, too.  For, through this pain, I have become more aware of God's love.  HE is the one who carried me through the past 2 years. He has given me strength when I felt like I had none.  Somedays, He is the only reason I can get out of the bed.  I missed an opprotunity to glorify Him today at church with something my mom said to me.  The surmon was about the light in the darkness, and my sweet mom said she saw me as the light through the darkness of the past 2 years.  But really, it is not my doing... it is the Lord's!  He uses humans to show His glory, and HIS light was the one shining, not mine.  My human mind and body is incapable of shouldering the pain and grief of the past two years without Him.  The glory is God's, but thank you, Mom.  And thank you for being there for me, because I believe God made you my rock.